Goodbye My Friend...

Omg... its 4:33am. Why am I up? And writing THIS nonetheless? So... Idk if you heard, but my father passed away about a week and a half ago. I am still broken up about this. I just try to hide my pain behind my smile. I havent been in the mood to do much besides sit around the house playin games or hangin wit Boobee. She brings a huge ass smile 2 my face. Im sittin here, listening to "Coldest Winter" by Kanye West... If your a 'Ye fan, you kno this song was written about his mother after she died.... Do I really need to go into detail over how Im feeling right now?

Anyway, this isnt about me. This is for my Pops... Since I didnt have the strength to write a final letter for you, this is it... Someone asked me how I was doin and I said "Im... Ok. I guess"... That person proceeded to tell me that I need to write and not hold all these feelings in. So Im gonna try.

... Im kinda tearin up already and I aint really get started yet. Pops... Over the last 23 years of my life, I think that Ive only spent a month or two total in days where I didnt see you. Maybe 3 months. But its still 23 years. You raised me in a 2 parent household, and helped mold me into the man I am today. I tell folk all the time, I look like my mom but I act jus like my pops. Maybe I never expressed how much you truly meant to me, and Im a fool for that. It pains me, cuz I let work and other bullshit prevent me from being by your side during your final hours. I had plans to come and see you that day. I shaved my head for the 1st time just to have something to talk about when I saw you. Cuz its always been hard for me to watch the strongest man in the world to me, just laying in a hospital bed. Ive never seen you cry nor complain about the pain, so I take shit like that to the heart. Very few people had ever seen me cry up until Wednesday. Now I just feel like one big ass ball of hurt that keeps tryin to mask itself with drugs & alcohol. No matter how much weed I smoke. No matter how much wine/beer I might drink... I always end up right here. Writing this damn letter. I miss you so much... Deep down, I had to think this day would come sooner or later. I just always hoped it'd be later... I cant do this. omg.

... love. tears.

i wrote this on sunday i believe...

"Yester"
... As each day flies by, I start to grieve a bit more then the yes-ter/Folk keep askin if Im alright, and all I can say is "yes sir"/Cuz Im tryin my best 2 keep my head held high/But still cant help but to ask myself "why?"/Both my heros, fallen to a heartache/So now my heart in-fact/Is jus so very un-intact/I was told that everything's covered/I was confused b4, now everything's cluttered/And the last words I uttered, was "see you soon"/And as humans, we assume/That your last words, are never your last/And if ever Im asked/If Im filled wit regret, you can bet/That my answer is "yes sir"/Cuz each new day is a bit more then the yes-ter...

So far...

... Im just one big ball of emotions right now. And i hate it. Ive been holding all these damn feelings inside. i hate being emotional. thats not me...

as i cried in the shower, the tears running down my face. "Hurricane" by 30 Seconds to Mars plays n the backround. i cry in safety, becuz all physical evidence of my hidden pain is washed away by running water. as i think about my father, how i wasnt by his side as he passed away in a hospital bed. how i never got to say goodbye. how he, the strongest man in the world to me, passed away the same way as the previous strongest man in the world to me... i dont question the strength of their hearts... i question myself, for not being able to do more. i feel as tho i wasnt there. and thats what hurts me the most... the fact that i was totally helpless to do anything... i cant finish this.

Attention deficit

... I tried. Or at least I feel as tho I tried. But the more I think of it, the more I want it. I really dont want to think about her anymore. But I cant help it. When I talk to any other girl to try and derail the attention my mind gives her... I realize how much I DONT want them to be around forever. Whereas with her... I want her. It literally pisses me off, becuz I dont want this. 1 side of me screams "been there, done that". The other says "take that leap"... Its weird. Cuz honestly, I feel as though she doesnt see what I see in her. And I kinda dont help anything by keeping things bottled up. Im not the open talk kinda dude. Im just not. I just keep 2 myself and let what ever happens, happen.

"Gone"

So... Lately, Ive been listening to N'Sync's "Gone", hard-fuckin-body. Dont judge me. Cot damn. This song brings up so many memories. I swear, sometimes I think women think Im really some cold hearted asshole... Im not cold-hearted. An asshole, maybe. But not cold-hearted. I have feelings just like everybody else. I just choose not to express them in the fashion that most people do. Like complaining, whining, getting upset or angry, etc... Im not the best man for ANY woman right now. I dont know why they continue to think I am.

Personally, I think its a weak excuse to continue to say Im afraid to commit... But I am. Deep down, everytime I think of settling down with one woman, I think... Why? So we can argue over shit that isnt as big of a deal as it is to her? Im not even in a relationship, yet I already deal with that. I also think, Im only 23... I have a promising life to live still. Im only going to get bigger and better, and if women want to sleep with me now... Their gonna wanna do it 2 me then.

Idk... Yo Im not gonna lie about it. Im weird. Really weird. Sometimes Im really into a girl, and then I just lose interest. Im a heartbreaker, and I really hate it. Cuz I never intend to hurt anyone... I really really dont. I just get caught up in so much, that eventually someone always gets burned. If I cried over every female that stopped fuckin wit me, then Id be locked in my room all the time. Lemme explain...

"When it comes to girls, Ive dished more blows then I take/I hit a homerun, but got injured as I dove to the plate"... That bar, sums up a lot of my relationships... Most girls, I could careless if they left me alone. Sad but true. Ive hurt more then Ive been hurt... BUT I have been hurt. By 2 women to be exact. Which is why I said "I hit a homerun, but got injured as I dove to the plate"... I still have love for both of them, but in my mind(even tho they both present defense cases & will tell everybody else I left) they still left me. And they both get the same exact face when I explain what happened at the end...

And really, all that matters is the end... Becuz despite all that went on between us... The good, the bad, the whateva... Where the fuck r we? At the end. And in both those endings, I end up single... Nobody really knows how fuckin hurt I truly was, except my pillows, the alcohol, and my heart... Nobody. I have never fully expressed to ANYONE how hurt I was. Like seriously... U marry the next fucking dude!? Like REALLY THO!? How dare you say you love me, yet move on so quickly? I love the shit outta that girl, but how the fuck am I supposed to just trust her after that? That is going to take time.

Women think just becuz they express their emotions better then men, that it makes shit easier. It really doesnt. Becuz if our feelings arent on the same page, then things get complicated. I suck at expressing myself properly, so all of this is going to sound like Im upset. But Im not. Im just soooo confused right now. I want this and all I have is that. Sittin here, sippin porto. Just listening to "Gone" on repeat. Yo... JT put his foot in this song. I have literally cried while listening to this shit. Not recently, but everytime I reach an end... This song pops up. I care about each woman who I have a personal relationship with, but usually their feelings end up stronger then mine. Like I said, I never intend to hurt anyone. Never. When I say its a fact that women tap out before I do, thats real talk.

Well Im gonna end this now. Leave u wit a snippet...

"Im a troubled soul, I dial her 7 to tell/That Im stuck on both sides, battlin wit heaven & hell/"

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh went the lion...

Sounds of nature

"Nudity"
To me, its epic how skeptic I can truly be/After shawty holla "love", but I dont trust that she true to me/The "love" dance, you know, aint really new to me/But I hate the part where Im stuck AFTER the nudity/Not no clothes, Im not even talkin sex/Im talkin what do you do when you cant move on to the next/Cuz once I bare skin/Just to let you in/And you decide to pick up & leave/In most cases, Im sick but dont grieve/Cuz honestly, it even amazes me/How it appears as if nothin phases me/Smilin on the out, while screamin on the in/Knowin deep down, that Im jus fiendin for the win/Cuz its tirin waitin on the girl your dreamin will cause your "FIN"... Sometimes I wish I could see, your perception of me/Then maybe it'd help lead me to be/Whateva the fuck it is you need me to be/Cuz Im the ringleader of my own mental jamboree/Minus a top hat, secretly tryna figure out who I am to me/Some Jason Bourne shit, misplaced identity/Used to kno, but over time Ive defaced the serenity/Ended up like every other nigga, embraced my obscenities/Shittttt, do you even remember me?/"Like a Hess truck, Im a collector's item, circa '86/All these clowns tryna get wit me, its like a circus on my dick"/When I say things like that, its geared more towards bravado/And my lustful-ness, usually only wakes after goin towards a bottle/Of course, women love me & I love them back/But I get caught up to often in "this" act/And what I perceive to be fiction, usually ends up as fact/I stare in the mirror and sometimes hate what Ive grew to be/Cuz now Im afraid to be exposed, Im scared of the nudity...



enjoy a peak into the carnival which is my mind... i need some alone time. if i igg u for a few days, dont take it personal. im just goin through a lot and dont really have the words to say right now.

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh went the lion...

Boom-kack

... Yo... I know Im wrong. But it feels soooo good....










im high as a muthafucka right now. cot damnnn.








im keepin it 2gether tho... trust & believe.