Goodbye My Friend...

Omg... its 4:33am. Why am I up? And writing THIS nonetheless? So... Idk if you heard, but my father passed away about a week and a half ago. I am still broken up about this. I just try to hide my pain behind my smile. I havent been in the mood to do much besides sit around the house playin games or hangin wit Boobee. She brings a huge ass smile 2 my face. Im sittin here, listening to "Coldest Winter" by Kanye West... If your a 'Ye fan, you kno this song was written about his mother after she died.... Do I really need to go into detail over how Im feeling right now?

Anyway, this isnt about me. This is for my Pops... Since I didnt have the strength to write a final letter for you, this is it... Someone asked me how I was doin and I said "Im... Ok. I guess"... That person proceeded to tell me that I need to write and not hold all these feelings in. So Im gonna try.

... Im kinda tearin up already and I aint really get started yet. Pops... Over the last 23 years of my life, I think that Ive only spent a month or two total in days where I didnt see you. Maybe 3 months. But its still 23 years. You raised me in a 2 parent household, and helped mold me into the man I am today. I tell folk all the time, I look like my mom but I act jus like my pops. Maybe I never expressed how much you truly meant to me, and Im a fool for that. It pains me, cuz I let work and other bullshit prevent me from being by your side during your final hours. I had plans to come and see you that day. I shaved my head for the 1st time just to have something to talk about when I saw you. Cuz its always been hard for me to watch the strongest man in the world to me, just laying in a hospital bed. Ive never seen you cry nor complain about the pain, so I take shit like that to the heart. Very few people had ever seen me cry up until Wednesday. Now I just feel like one big ass ball of hurt that keeps tryin to mask itself with drugs & alcohol. No matter how much weed I smoke. No matter how much wine/beer I might drink... I always end up right here. Writing this damn letter. I miss you so much... Deep down, I had to think this day would come sooner or later. I just always hoped it'd be later... I cant do this. omg.

... love. tears.

i wrote this on sunday i believe...

"Yester"
... As each day flies by, I start to grieve a bit more then the yes-ter/Folk keep askin if Im alright, and all I can say is "yes sir"/Cuz Im tryin my best 2 keep my head held high/But still cant help but to ask myself "why?"/Both my heros, fallen to a heartache/So now my heart in-fact/Is jus so very un-intact/I was told that everything's covered/I was confused b4, now everything's cluttered/And the last words I uttered, was "see you soon"/And as humans, we assume/That your last words, are never your last/And if ever Im asked/If Im filled wit regret, you can bet/That my answer is "yes sir"/Cuz each new day is a bit more then the yes-ter...

So far...

... Im just one big ball of emotions right now. And i hate it. Ive been holding all these damn feelings inside. i hate being emotional. thats not me...

as i cried in the shower, the tears running down my face. "Hurricane" by 30 Seconds to Mars plays n the backround. i cry in safety, becuz all physical evidence of my hidden pain is washed away by running water. as i think about my father, how i wasnt by his side as he passed away in a hospital bed. how i never got to say goodbye. how he, the strongest man in the world to me, passed away the same way as the previous strongest man in the world to me... i dont question the strength of their hearts... i question myself, for not being able to do more. i feel as tho i wasnt there. and thats what hurts me the most... the fact that i was totally helpless to do anything... i cant finish this.