Omg... its 4:33am. Why am I up? And writing THIS nonetheless? So... Idk if you heard, but my father passed away about a week and a half ago. I am still broken up about this. I just try to hide my pain behind my smile. I havent been in the mood to do much besides sit around the house playin games or hangin wit Boobee. She brings a huge ass smile 2 my face. Im sittin here, listening to "Coldest Winter" by Kanye West... If your a 'Ye fan, you kno this song was written about his mother after she died.... Do I really need to go into detail over how Im feeling right now?
Anyway, this isnt about me. This is for my Pops... Since I didnt have the strength to write a final letter for you, this is it... Someone asked me how I was doin and I said "Im... Ok. I guess"... That person proceeded to tell me that I need to write and not hold all these feelings in. So Im gonna try.
... Im kinda tearin up already and I aint really get started yet. Pops... Over the last 23 years of my life, I think that Ive only spent a month or two total in days where I didnt see you. Maybe 3 months. But its still 23 years. You raised me in a 2 parent household, and helped mold me into the man I am today. I tell folk all the time, I look like my mom but I act jus like my pops. Maybe I never expressed how much you truly meant to me, and Im a fool for that. It pains me, cuz I let work and other bullshit prevent me from being by your side during your final hours. I had plans to come and see you that day. I shaved my head for the 1st time just to have something to talk about when I saw you. Cuz its always been hard for me to watch the strongest man in the world to me, just laying in a hospital bed. Ive never seen you cry nor complain about the pain, so I take shit like that to the heart. Very few people had ever seen me cry up until Wednesday. Now I just feel like one big ass ball of hurt that keeps tryin to mask itself with drugs & alcohol. No matter how much weed I smoke. No matter how much wine/beer I might drink... I always end up right here. Writing this damn letter. I miss you so much... Deep down, I had to think this day would come sooner or later. I just always hoped it'd be later... I cant do this. omg.
... love. tears.
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