Spilled Milk

Aint no since in cryin over spilled milk... U either goin stare at the lemons, or make lemonade with them... Hence, "LEMONADE dat..." I dont live in perfection, I am not perfect. When Im down, it feels like the whole world wants to keep me there. When Im up, it feels like there is always somebody who wants to knock me off my high horse. At the end of each day, I dont pray. But I still have a strong belief in God. Without Him, Im nothing. So when someone feels like its their mission to hurt me in any way possible, it doesnt matter. As long as I have God on my side, everything will work out in the time manner He sees fit for me. I get extremely depressed sometimes, but I rarely tell folk. Im not very good at expressing my feelings through speech. Which has always come back to bite me in the arse. It seems like everytime I reveal somethin about me to someone, I gotta tell the deep ish. I truly believe that we are all like onions. Built with so many layers. And once you start to peel back those layers, usually there is a story strong enough to envoke tears of some sort. I dont know your history, but Im willing to listen if you want to tell me. Like I said before, Im due for a good cry. I really am. I dont consider myself to be a sensitive dude, even though I write poetry and Im not a fighter. I dont see myself as being sensitive.

I feel like people grab the wrong idea about me often. I have embraced my faults, and Im not afraid to admit when Im in the wrong. I wish some people could do the same. Im a walking contradiction, just like every other human. Im a hypocrite sometimes, and a lotta folk judge me for shit then go and do the same. Just switch up the names and the storyline, but in the underlining, lies the same thing. Mattas fact, I wouldnt even consider myself a fighter, cuz Im definately a lover before a fighter. And a damn good lover at that. Its not my fault that Id rather make love then argue or come to blows with anybody over something I feel is petty. That comes from one of the stories buried in my layers. I havent found anything worth fighting for, I guess. Well, I did... But thats another story. I get tired of talkin bout the same shit, so I wont this time.

I kinda lost my point... lol. So I dont know what to say anymore. I am going to enjoy myself tomorrow night, no matter what. '08 sucked for me. Hopefully, Ill have a turn around in '09. Im not gonna make any resolutions besides losing more weight and gettin more tattoos. I dont know if Ill jump into the relationship pool tho for... Obvious reasons. I cant swim. But I can float. Im tryna get over that though. I dont want nor need a girl. I want but dont need a woman... I swear, E & me have the best conversations when it comes to women. I remember one time, this nigga said... "Its easier to get 5 girls number in one day then it is to find $5 on the ground"... Thats true shit. Plus, to catch better fish, you gotta go fishing in deeper waters. So... Ive decided that after my probation, I am moving. Out of Rochester. Possibly New York State. I got 3 years to get my money right. But Im doing it. All I know is Rochester, so all I know is Rochester women, Rochester mentality. Everything has been Rochester. Sure, Ive traveled. But not much. I wanna see what the world has to offer me. Not what Rochester has to offer me. And I know if Im still here by my late 20's, Ill be here forever. 25 is a stretch but still is the perfect time for that move. Ill be 3 years wiser, which means 3 years better then I am now. Aint shit keepin me here except the law(lol) and my folks(i.e family & best friends)...

Thats all for now...

Lions, Tigers, and Bears...

All things to be afraid of... But Im not. No, Im not a hood nigga. No, Im not the easiest person to trust. But still, Im nothing to be afraid of. Why does anyone love, Love... When Love just seems to hate us. Some people search their entire lives for one person that they can call and consider their soulmate. That shit scares me. Which is why my fear of commitment causes me to sabotage good things. Im scared that one day, when Im all in love with the woman Im waking up next to every morning, will just up and leave me. Whether it be for someone else, or any other reason. Im scared that one day... After years and years of being with the same woman, Im going to have the urge to have another woman. I dont want that. I believe in love, and I believe in being faithful. Im just scared that I cant do it.

Nobody wants to hurt the person they love... Especially me. I have been in love numerous times, or maybe just thought I was... Either way, each time I tell a different woman that I love her. Those words grow stronger to me as I get older. So each time, when she up and leaves me... It hurts more and more. Im scared of having my feelings hurt, which is why I act heartless towards most random women. Im scared that my ego, my pride will be struck by the hand of heartache and the fist of heartbreak. I dont want to be alone. I dont want women to be afraid of loving me. Because when I tell a woman, I love her... Believe me, I mean it. And even though, I have all these inner demons that Im trying to get out of my closet, I believe that anything can be worked through.

My past is thick, but everyone has a past. I feel like if your honest and true, then it doesnt mean shit. Your past that is. I am very much in love with a woman that scares me. Honestly. On so many levels, I just want to live out the rest of my life with her. But Im scared... Scared that Ill end up hurting her eventually. Scared that she'll end up hurting me. Scared that she'll leave over something so small. Scared she'll just leave me... Alone. And Im afraid of being alone. Its like she is the "dark", and someone continues to ask me, "are u afraid of the dark?"... And the only response I can gather is... "Uhhh kinda".

Im scared that Ill fall to hard and once I turn into mushy Ry the romantic guy, she wont like that. Girls really love assholes, which amazes me. And I can be a complete asshole. Im dangerous, without being hood. Cuz while some dudes will hurt you or themselves physically, I wouldnt put my hands on a woman. Id just hurt her heart. And I dont wanna do that. I really want to be the guy that brings flowers to her job just cuz its wednesday. I wanna be the dude that holds her every night. I wanna be the one that is by her side, no matter what. I believe that I can stand strong through whatever, as long as the woman that loves me... Still loves me and is willing to stand strong with me. I dont care to argue, Id much rather make love. Passionate, sweet love...

I want a marathon relationship, not a sprint. I thought I would never be over my ex, and of course I still hold some type of feelings there. I considered her my fiance. But she means nothing compared to the woman I love now. And, Im just scared. Afraid... She scares me. Cuz while the woman is my lover, shes one of my best friends. And that adds to my fears. I dont wanna get all involved, get used to having her there just to have her leave me after Im all in. I cant take losing her. And it sucks, cuz when shes mad at me, I wanna just ignore her anger and her all together. But my mind races with the thought of her. My heart beats faster. My mouth waters cuz it remembers just how good she tastes. And that causes me to get over it faster then she would...

Love seems like an impossible mission, when you cant drop shit. But whats small to me, could be the world to someone else. And vice versa. Its just that, I know how to drop it. Because at the end of the day, all I want is to be happy... With her.

She's Winding On Me...

The title has absolutely nothing to do with this, I think... lol. "She got it in the front, I took a step back/She threw it on me, I aint expect that/She a dancer, she can make it clap/Im in the zone now, I think its a wrap/Shes windin on me, windin on meee..."

Just happens to be the song Im listenin to right now. Suprisingly pleasant. But anyway, Im gonna be in a wedding, finally! My cousin is gettin married soon. Maybe it will make me wake up some more and realize what I have. Cuz I wanna get married one day. Sooner then later. I am a very lustful person, which is not very good. Actually, Im not as much as I used to be. If thats even possible. I got a lot of female friends. And not even in that nasty way. Just friends. I have to cut some of them out tho, cuz I refuse for it to fuck somethin else up. Some chicks aint even worth the friendship they offer. Plus, the next girl I get into a relationship with... I want to marry. I just wanna be married. Im afraid of being alone. Im afraid of having to rebuild something from scratch. God has blessed me to meet some wonderful women, but it doesnt matter cuz Im still single. Mainly my own doing, but it takes two to tango and I cant be held to blame by myself for any failed relationships. I have never laid claim to being perfect. Never. Just because I may have a nice sized ego, I still dont think Im perfect. In fact, I know Im not perfect. I know a lot of things about myself, and when I try to convey it to others... My words are often misconstrued. Like when I try to explain why I want to just bask in her glow and enjoy every inch of her company and just be in love with the person Im in love with, and not worry about "tags". I say Im single, but Im not. There are lines in life... Associates/Friends/Best Friends/Lovers and thats it. The only thing that clears up the blurry picture between Best Friends/Lovers is a shiny ring. Because who doesnt want their lover to be their best friend? Somebody you can just be happy with no matter what. Just knowing deep down inside that the best you are waking up to, knows that you would never do anything to hurt them intentially. Its fucked up to me that gay marriages arent legal everywhere. One of my best friends is a lesbian, and I love her to death and just want her to be happy. I feel like when she finds that girl she wants to clear up the picture between best friends/lovers and bring out that shiny ring, she should be able to... ANYWHERE SHE PLEASES.

Like seriously... Its the same thing. The lines in life apply for everyone to me. Maybe the message Im trying to get across is harder then I think. But then again, if everything was easy and God just handed you everything you feel you deserve... Then how would we be able to know how it is to earn something? How could you honestly respect the life you live if you never worked for anything? I have worked through so much to get to this point, in my work life, social life, personal life... And Im still not happy. But i respect my life, which is why I love it. Maybe this doesnt make sense to you, but if I could show you the carnival that goes on inside of my head then I would gladly put it on IMAX for you. I dont know why my mind thinks like it does, and I dont know why your mind thinks like it does. But I still feel like my view of the world is beautiful...

Moving On

I didnt get much for xmas, but thats cool... I dont need much. Im just happy to be in a position where I can still see my family. I heard some news today that... Im still not sure how to feel about. Im happy for her and wish her the best is all Im saying. And thats true shit. It kinda wiped away my delusions a bit lol. But anyway, moving on... I feel like my last 2 posts were heavy, so Im makin this light. I dont really have much to say this time around anyway. Im just sittin around at 5am again, listenin to Freeway. Usually when I blog I listen to some type of mood music. Not the Joe Budden kind, just music that fuels my mood. Right now, Im just anxious. I guess... Idk why tho. Its my best man's birthday today. The big 2-1. Bout time... I find myself thinking about my future a lot nowadays. And where I wanna be in 5 years time. Im not gettin any younger. And my back will not allow me to continue the type of work Im doing for much longer. So Im lookin elsewhere. But could you honestly imagine me sitting behind a desk? For a living? I cant... Which is why, somethin gotta pop off soon lol. It sucks, cuz I use my back for a lot lmao. Damn near everything... Fuck that, I refuse to let it effect me in other areas of my personal life if u know what I mean lol. I cant blow a back out with my back out lol.

I think thats all for now lol.

Losin it 3peat

I dont know whats wrong with me... Feelin real complicated. Everything is complicated. In all honesty, I dont feel like me. I have never saw myself as a weak individual, but Im breakin down. Im used to bein the help, not the helped. I cant take this shit. And lately, its just soooo much animosity around me. I love everybody that has love for me, regardless of what has happened between us in the past or present. Its crazy... Cuz none of my friends like my other friends and vice versa. Everybody got somethin to say about somebody else, when really the only relationships I feel anybody should be concerned with is the one between the person and I. Im not here to please everybody, I just simply cant. If I listened to everybody about everybody else... Id be friendless. When you do some fucked up shit... You did that fucked up shit. I dont put the blame on anybody else. I know I fucked up. Ive fucked up a lot. Ive done fucked up shit to people. And people have done fucked up shit to me. But in the end... I cant hold grudges. I cant stay mad at anybody. Ive explained to a few people why its so hard for me to continue being upset with anybody over some fuck shit. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us, and I really dont have time to dwell on that. I can give a reason to stop being friends with damn near everybody Im friends with... But a friendship is like a relationship, if you goin jus quit everytime somethin happens... How are you building anything? Im 22. Even though I know mad people, I cant stand more then half of them. I chill with who I want, because the people I keep around me now are the closest ones to me. And even if somebody is bad for me, you keep ya friends close, and ya enemies closer. Maybe Im due for that as well. Having somebody I trust do some shit to me that I just cant simply forgive them for. I cant see it happening, but maybe it will. Sometimes, I wish I could hate more often. But as long as Im still breathin and able to do the Lord's bidding, then I will have the power to forgive and forget. Im willing to squash shit with anybody who has a problem with me. But Im not chasin anybody down tryna figure out whats wrong. Fuck that. Folk are more then welcome to hate me, but Ima still have love for them.

Once grandpa clocked out, that was the line for me. The day I started holdin in all my pain. Unless Im writing. Damn, poetry has helped me express my feelings way more then speech. I get flustered in person, cuz I dont like to argue. But when Im writing... And Im in my zone... I feel free to say what I like. But lately, I havent had the passion to finish work. I havent had the passion to finish much of anything. I really wish I could just stay in the house and seclude myself from everybody. Mainly the reason I dont call anybody. I dont wanna hear voices, cuz I dont want people to ask "how r u?" and I say "fine" but they can tell Im lying. Im not fine. I cant wait for church on Sunday... Im still scared to pray, but I really wanna go back to church. Its just something so enriching about it to me... Im extending an invite to any and all who would like to come one time. That just brought back a memory... Last time I did that, we didnt even end up goin cuz I wanted 2 sleep in with the eye of my storm...

"Am I losin it? Am I losin it? I think Im losin my mind"... "Trapped in a maze, therefore I am amazin"

Its 5am, and I cant sleep. Ive been up since 9am.

Losin It 2 random...

So I slipped. Then tripped and now Im still fallin. I know Im the cause of all my problems, but sometimes those I feel should be a supporting cast at least... Arent very much help. I dont like asking for help, because people always seem to let me down. But still, sometimes... Its not enough. Im a hardheaded nigga, with an ego. Im not the best person around, cuz I can be a complete jerk and asshole. But Im still a good person... If folk cant recognize that, then Im sorry for them. Im always the one tryna keep shit together. But thats not me complaining. Thats just me bein honest. It hurts when people give you an ultimatum. Even if its in your best interest. It still hurts. This isnt about anybody in particular, but its always the same things... I dont need specifics. You dont need specifics. From the jump... I dont tell chicks shit that I think they wanna hear. If I feel like I just want sex, then my conversation is purely sex. If I see potential, then Ill avoid sex talk at first. You can call it immature all you like, but dudes only treat girls with as much respect as they feel the girl has for herself. And if Ima talk sex to you without wanting to get to know you, and you wit it!? How am I honestly supposed to view that? Like seriously... But whateva... Im off topic. Actually there is no topic... I dont know about yall... But I can not stay mad for anything. I really want too this time around. But I just cant. She makes good points, and I feel I make good points. Ive loved her since I met her, I was just 2 childish and young to do anything about it. Still love her now... Im just 2 childish and young to do anything about it. Shes a best friend & lover rolled into one, and I just cant bring myself to pick up the phone and just... Call. Because my feelings are hurt, and my foolish pride wont let me. Even though, I just wish we were still back in the day, stuck in the exist moment where we first kissed. Or even before then, when she walked to my house and took my hair out for me. In a black tee and tan sweats. That to anybody else, would prolly be all plain... But I love her in sweats. I love when she dresses up. Heels and hoop earrings, no wonder everybody is so smitten with her. Its like deep down inside... Im scared she goin leave me one day after Ive given her all of me. I feel like she feels the same way about me, which is why we hate to... Wait, I cant speak for her. But I think thats maybe the reason I hate that I love her. Cuz I tried to leave her alone, and Ive managed to go months before... But this time was soooo different. Damn, I swore I wouldnt make this about her. I said to myself... "Yo, just write random shit"... But this damn Gorilla Zoe song, it got me good. Cuz *points fingers at self* this guy right here, doesnt wanna do this. I honestly dont wanna be *points fingers at self* this guy right here. Im losin it yo... I finally started checkin dates for AA meetings, and tonight I had a moment of weakness. While I didnt drink, I smoked for the 1st time in what seems like 4ever. Dont think this is high talk tho... That was hours ago and I only hit it like twice. But whateva... I know I fucked up. I dont wanna be this muhfucka forever, I dont even wanna go another year being the same dude from '08... I cant. I try to act as if shit doesnt get to me, because Im a man. We arent supposed to be emotional creatures. So I try to keep my tears to myself. Fuck that, I do. I dont cry unless Im home alone and I know for a fact no one can hear me. Ive only shed tears in front of a few people in my entire lifetime. Cuz Ive grown so accustom to pain and heartache that I try to keep a smile on when I shouldnt. Yo... Im due for a good cry. I really am. My life aint shit, but I dress it up to be. I still think I look good, so no one can take that from me. But still... I DO A LOT OF DUMB SHIT. I dont wanna be forgiven for anything tho, because... Life is filled with lessons. I just happen to be learning more and faster then others. Goin to church these past couple of weeks have been helpful, and even tho I dont have the money right now... I still give to the Salvation Army red cans everytime I pass by. I still give bums on the street money even tho they go to the same store as me, and buy the same beer as me, wit the same money I just gave him(I swear, Mike!)... Thats when I thought to myself, that will never be me. I promise. But hey... This is prolly gettin a bit long, so Im gonna stop randomly...

Losin It...

So... First off, lemme explain some shit. I named this "Say Whats Real(The Daily Suicide)", because... Well, "Say Whats Real" came from Drake over the Kanye - "Say You Will". I love that shit, plus I only got this blog because I needed to express my feelings for the world and try to show my view. In comes the daily suicide portion... I did that because... While Im keepin it real, Im going to be sayin shit that will either benefit me or not. Either way... Its the truth. So even if it kills me, Im gonna be honest. No matter who gets upset by it or whateva. I dont give a fuck anymore. I really dont. All I can be, is my muthafuckin self. And if folk cant stand it, then just leave me be. Im used to people leavin me, so its nothin new. My heart will heal with time, my bones will heal with time. But anyway, this is my true intro... Ill write more later.

Just gettin started...

"Self-Destruction act 1"
Lately... Everyday is stuck in a somber mood, cuz Im naturally a drama dude but wit no drama removed, the hecticness of a direction miss got a nigga's navigation twirlin. Constantly hurlin, cuz Im sick off of wanderin, steadily Im ponderin. So its causin me to become distant, while off in the distance, is a future that ends wit no you plus me. Partly cuz I simply disgust me, and its too hard to get you to trust me. The chips are down? Fuck it then, they must be. Feelin like this is a repeat nightmare, cuz even though Im right there, shit just dont seem like its quite fair and excuse me if I might stare... But Im feelin unordinary, a rebel without a cause. My life bein recorded in fast forward without a pause. Fixed camera angle, Im proof that even God's work has flaws. I tip my hat, as I been trippin without a carry-on. Yet still somehow, I manage to carry on. Been down Satan's alley, minus God's oop. Life is a newscast and faithfully Ive looked for God's scoop. Critically acclaimed, famed prize winner. And while in His eyes Im a sinner. Askin for help has neva been my forte. Man of my own, so I tend to let my core play. Standin in the doorway, but my only earthquake doesnt arrive when the Earth break. It takes a toll on me, when anybody tries to take control of me. I break in then leave presents like my tush in a sleigh. Everytime Im close, I push 'em away. Green light, so I speed through fearin the red. Fast lane lifestyle, 6th sense but I aint hearin the dead. Instead, what I thee wed, are the same problems I, me fed... Source of my troubles lies in the mirror, my vision is blurred but the image is clearer. Im secretly in love with a woman, I cant be with. Gotta kill my demons 1st, but I dont think I can be swift. Especially when deep down, I know whats at stake. And its wrong of me to ask her to wait. I see her standin in the light at the end of my tunnel. Worked through cave-ins, jus to be open like the end of a funnel. Mixed drink, call us sex on the beach. Dangerously good times, but whats next in our reach? I get vexed, but dont flex what I preach. Ima leave Ethel on the side of the road, and hop in a cab. Pay off the cabby, and just ride into the sunset. Cuz maybe when the sun sets, and the moon shines, I can finally put away this expensive moonshine. And make love to the brightest star of my galaxy. While I step into reality outta this bizarre fantasy... Act 2: Issues deep rooted, but still a graphic show out. The attic of charismatic, against me theres no bout. But lack of competition, caused my view to be in high-defination. Or maybe it was jus the gettin high in repetition. But I deem my complexed addition, only added fuel to my already complexed vision...