Losin It 2 random...

So I slipped. Then tripped and now Im still fallin. I know Im the cause of all my problems, but sometimes those I feel should be a supporting cast at least... Arent very much help. I dont like asking for help, because people always seem to let me down. But still, sometimes... Its not enough. Im a hardheaded nigga, with an ego. Im not the best person around, cuz I can be a complete jerk and asshole. But Im still a good person... If folk cant recognize that, then Im sorry for them. Im always the one tryna keep shit together. But thats not me complaining. Thats just me bein honest. It hurts when people give you an ultimatum. Even if its in your best interest. It still hurts. This isnt about anybody in particular, but its always the same things... I dont need specifics. You dont need specifics. From the jump... I dont tell chicks shit that I think they wanna hear. If I feel like I just want sex, then my conversation is purely sex. If I see potential, then Ill avoid sex talk at first. You can call it immature all you like, but dudes only treat girls with as much respect as they feel the girl has for herself. And if Ima talk sex to you without wanting to get to know you, and you wit it!? How am I honestly supposed to view that? Like seriously... But whateva... Im off topic. Actually there is no topic... I dont know about yall... But I can not stay mad for anything. I really want too this time around. But I just cant. She makes good points, and I feel I make good points. Ive loved her since I met her, I was just 2 childish and young to do anything about it. Still love her now... Im just 2 childish and young to do anything about it. Shes a best friend & lover rolled into one, and I just cant bring myself to pick up the phone and just... Call. Because my feelings are hurt, and my foolish pride wont let me. Even though, I just wish we were still back in the day, stuck in the exist moment where we first kissed. Or even before then, when she walked to my house and took my hair out for me. In a black tee and tan sweats. That to anybody else, would prolly be all plain... But I love her in sweats. I love when she dresses up. Heels and hoop earrings, no wonder everybody is so smitten with her. Its like deep down inside... Im scared she goin leave me one day after Ive given her all of me. I feel like she feels the same way about me, which is why we hate to... Wait, I cant speak for her. But I think thats maybe the reason I hate that I love her. Cuz I tried to leave her alone, and Ive managed to go months before... But this time was soooo different. Damn, I swore I wouldnt make this about her. I said to myself... "Yo, just write random shit"... But this damn Gorilla Zoe song, it got me good. Cuz *points fingers at self* this guy right here, doesnt wanna do this. I honestly dont wanna be *points fingers at self* this guy right here. Im losin it yo... I finally started checkin dates for AA meetings, and tonight I had a moment of weakness. While I didnt drink, I smoked for the 1st time in what seems like 4ever. Dont think this is high talk tho... That was hours ago and I only hit it like twice. But whateva... I know I fucked up. I dont wanna be this muhfucka forever, I dont even wanna go another year being the same dude from '08... I cant. I try to act as if shit doesnt get to me, because Im a man. We arent supposed to be emotional creatures. So I try to keep my tears to myself. Fuck that, I do. I dont cry unless Im home alone and I know for a fact no one can hear me. Ive only shed tears in front of a few people in my entire lifetime. Cuz Ive grown so accustom to pain and heartache that I try to keep a smile on when I shouldnt. Yo... Im due for a good cry. I really am. My life aint shit, but I dress it up to be. I still think I look good, so no one can take that from me. But still... I DO A LOT OF DUMB SHIT. I dont wanna be forgiven for anything tho, because... Life is filled with lessons. I just happen to be learning more and faster then others. Goin to church these past couple of weeks have been helpful, and even tho I dont have the money right now... I still give to the Salvation Army red cans everytime I pass by. I still give bums on the street money even tho they go to the same store as me, and buy the same beer as me, wit the same money I just gave him(I swear, Mike!)... Thats when I thought to myself, that will never be me. I promise. But hey... This is prolly gettin a bit long, so Im gonna stop randomly...