I dont know whats wrong with me... Feelin real complicated. Everything is complicated. In all honesty, I dont feel like me. I have never saw myself as a weak individual, but Im breakin down. Im used to bein the help, not the helped. I cant take this shit. And lately, its just soooo much animosity around me. I love everybody that has love for me, regardless of what has happened between us in the past or present. Its crazy... Cuz none of my friends like my other friends and vice versa. Everybody got somethin to say about somebody else, when really the only relationships I feel anybody should be concerned with is the one between the person and I. Im not here to please everybody, I just simply cant. If I listened to everybody about everybody else... Id be friendless. When you do some fucked up shit... You did that fucked up shit. I dont put the blame on anybody else. I know I fucked up. Ive fucked up a lot. Ive done fucked up shit to people. And people have done fucked up shit to me. But in the end... I cant hold grudges. I cant stay mad at anybody. Ive explained to a few people why its so hard for me to continue being upset with anybody over some fuck shit. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us, and I really dont have time to dwell on that. I can give a reason to stop being friends with damn near everybody Im friends with... But a friendship is like a relationship, if you goin jus quit everytime somethin happens... How are you building anything? Im 22. Even though I know mad people, I cant stand more then half of them. I chill with who I want, because the people I keep around me now are the closest ones to me. And even if somebody is bad for me, you keep ya friends close, and ya enemies closer. Maybe Im due for that as well. Having somebody I trust do some shit to me that I just cant simply forgive them for. I cant see it happening, but maybe it will. Sometimes, I wish I could hate more often. But as long as Im still breathin and able to do the Lord's bidding, then I will have the power to forgive and forget. Im willing to squash shit with anybody who has a problem with me. But Im not chasin anybody down tryna figure out whats wrong. Fuck that. Folk are more then welcome to hate me, but Ima still have love for them.
Once grandpa clocked out, that was the line for me. The day I started holdin in all my pain. Unless Im writing. Damn, poetry has helped me express my feelings way more then speech. I get flustered in person, cuz I dont like to argue. But when Im writing... And Im in my zone... I feel free to say what I like. But lately, I havent had the passion to finish work. I havent had the passion to finish much of anything. I really wish I could just stay in the house and seclude myself from everybody. Mainly the reason I dont call anybody. I dont wanna hear voices, cuz I dont want people to ask "how r u?" and I say "fine" but they can tell Im lying. Im not fine. I cant wait for church on Sunday... Im still scared to pray, but I really wanna go back to church. Its just something so enriching about it to me... Im extending an invite to any and all who would like to come one time. That just brought back a memory... Last time I did that, we didnt even end up goin cuz I wanted 2 sleep in with the eye of my storm...
"Am I losin it? Am I losin it? I think Im losin my mind"... "Trapped in a maze, therefore I am amazin"
Its 5am, and I cant sleep. Ive been up since 9am.
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um. for one, lemme say I never said I don't like your "friends" and I am pretty sure they don't like me, but oh well, they are humans, and humans are entiltled to mistakes, but I just don't understand why... well I just don't understand how it's visible that you need help, and I couldn't help you.. and to be honest our relationship is soo fucked up, and it's cause I cant help, and it bothers me to see you like this, so I try to aviod it. and it's unfortunate, but an honest depiction for why I do the things that I do. I wish I could hug all the pain away and make it better.. and I only say things because I care, but from the tone of this blog, I see that maybe MY actions aren't very adult like, in refrence to me speaking of the company that you keep. I'm sorry and it' won't happen again, but also remeber... in the end you are the company that you keep, so if youre with a bunch of people that don't like each other, or talk about each other, that is a reflection of yourself. I really hope you do get the seculsion that you need. cause it might help. but I do wish you well and hope you get better... and I do love you oh so much. I just want the old ryan back. and if it helps, I will no longer speak of your friends in a negative conotation anymore.
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ReplyDeleteNow, I know we're not the closest friends but it hurts me to read this. It really makes me feel sad to know that you're so down right now. I agree that maybe it's time for you to seclude yourself a bit but don't worry about not having friends because when you're done soul searching, the people who really care about you will be right there (even if it's only a couple of them). The hardest part about getting older is realizing how many REAL friends you really DON'T have. It sucks to be alone (or feel alone) but it's a great feeling to know that everyone you associate yourself with really loves you and has your best interest at heart. If you can't say that about your group of friends, it might be time to reevaluate who you're grouping yourself with.
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