She's Winding On Me...

The title has absolutely nothing to do with this, I think... lol. "She got it in the front, I took a step back/She threw it on me, I aint expect that/She a dancer, she can make it clap/Im in the zone now, I think its a wrap/Shes windin on me, windin on meee..."

Just happens to be the song Im listenin to right now. Suprisingly pleasant. But anyway, Im gonna be in a wedding, finally! My cousin is gettin married soon. Maybe it will make me wake up some more and realize what I have. Cuz I wanna get married one day. Sooner then later. I am a very lustful person, which is not very good. Actually, Im not as much as I used to be. If thats even possible. I got a lot of female friends. And not even in that nasty way. Just friends. I have to cut some of them out tho, cuz I refuse for it to fuck somethin else up. Some chicks aint even worth the friendship they offer. Plus, the next girl I get into a relationship with... I want to marry. I just wanna be married. Im afraid of being alone. Im afraid of having to rebuild something from scratch. God has blessed me to meet some wonderful women, but it doesnt matter cuz Im still single. Mainly my own doing, but it takes two to tango and I cant be held to blame by myself for any failed relationships. I have never laid claim to being perfect. Never. Just because I may have a nice sized ego, I still dont think Im perfect. In fact, I know Im not perfect. I know a lot of things about myself, and when I try to convey it to others... My words are often misconstrued. Like when I try to explain why I want to just bask in her glow and enjoy every inch of her company and just be in love with the person Im in love with, and not worry about "tags". I say Im single, but Im not. There are lines in life... Associates/Friends/Best Friends/Lovers and thats it. The only thing that clears up the blurry picture between Best Friends/Lovers is a shiny ring. Because who doesnt want their lover to be their best friend? Somebody you can just be happy with no matter what. Just knowing deep down inside that the best you are waking up to, knows that you would never do anything to hurt them intentially. Its fucked up to me that gay marriages arent legal everywhere. One of my best friends is a lesbian, and I love her to death and just want her to be happy. I feel like when she finds that girl she wants to clear up the picture between best friends/lovers and bring out that shiny ring, she should be able to... ANYWHERE SHE PLEASES.

Like seriously... Its the same thing. The lines in life apply for everyone to me. Maybe the message Im trying to get across is harder then I think. But then again, if everything was easy and God just handed you everything you feel you deserve... Then how would we be able to know how it is to earn something? How could you honestly respect the life you live if you never worked for anything? I have worked through so much to get to this point, in my work life, social life, personal life... And Im still not happy. But i respect my life, which is why I love it. Maybe this doesnt make sense to you, but if I could show you the carnival that goes on inside of my head then I would gladly put it on IMAX for you. I dont know why my mind thinks like it does, and I dont know why your mind thinks like it does. But I still feel like my view of the world is beautiful...