Attention deficit

... I tried. Or at least I feel as tho I tried. But the more I think of it, the more I want it. I really dont want to think about her anymore. But I cant help it. When I talk to any other girl to try and derail the attention my mind gives her... I realize how much I DONT want them to be around forever. Whereas with her... I want her. It literally pisses me off, becuz I dont want this. 1 side of me screams "been there, done that". The other says "take that leap"... Its weird. Cuz honestly, I feel as though she doesnt see what I see in her. And I kinda dont help anything by keeping things bottled up. Im not the open talk kinda dude. Im just not. I just keep 2 myself and let what ever happens, happen.

"Gone"

So... Lately, Ive been listening to N'Sync's "Gone", hard-fuckin-body. Dont judge me. Cot damn. This song brings up so many memories. I swear, sometimes I think women think Im really some cold hearted asshole... Im not cold-hearted. An asshole, maybe. But not cold-hearted. I have feelings just like everybody else. I just choose not to express them in the fashion that most people do. Like complaining, whining, getting upset or angry, etc... Im not the best man for ANY woman right now. I dont know why they continue to think I am.

Personally, I think its a weak excuse to continue to say Im afraid to commit... But I am. Deep down, everytime I think of settling down with one woman, I think... Why? So we can argue over shit that isnt as big of a deal as it is to her? Im not even in a relationship, yet I already deal with that. I also think, Im only 23... I have a promising life to live still. Im only going to get bigger and better, and if women want to sleep with me now... Their gonna wanna do it 2 me then.

Idk... Yo Im not gonna lie about it. Im weird. Really weird. Sometimes Im really into a girl, and then I just lose interest. Im a heartbreaker, and I really hate it. Cuz I never intend to hurt anyone... I really really dont. I just get caught up in so much, that eventually someone always gets burned. If I cried over every female that stopped fuckin wit me, then Id be locked in my room all the time. Lemme explain...

"When it comes to girls, Ive dished more blows then I take/I hit a homerun, but got injured as I dove to the plate"... That bar, sums up a lot of my relationships... Most girls, I could careless if they left me alone. Sad but true. Ive hurt more then Ive been hurt... BUT I have been hurt. By 2 women to be exact. Which is why I said "I hit a homerun, but got injured as I dove to the plate"... I still have love for both of them, but in my mind(even tho they both present defense cases & will tell everybody else I left) they still left me. And they both get the same exact face when I explain what happened at the end...

And really, all that matters is the end... Becuz despite all that went on between us... The good, the bad, the whateva... Where the fuck r we? At the end. And in both those endings, I end up single... Nobody really knows how fuckin hurt I truly was, except my pillows, the alcohol, and my heart... Nobody. I have never fully expressed to ANYONE how hurt I was. Like seriously... U marry the next fucking dude!? Like REALLY THO!? How dare you say you love me, yet move on so quickly? I love the shit outta that girl, but how the fuck am I supposed to just trust her after that? That is going to take time.

Women think just becuz they express their emotions better then men, that it makes shit easier. It really doesnt. Becuz if our feelings arent on the same page, then things get complicated. I suck at expressing myself properly, so all of this is going to sound like Im upset. But Im not. Im just soooo confused right now. I want this and all I have is that. Sittin here, sippin porto. Just listening to "Gone" on repeat. Yo... JT put his foot in this song. I have literally cried while listening to this shit. Not recently, but everytime I reach an end... This song pops up. I care about each woman who I have a personal relationship with, but usually their feelings end up stronger then mine. Like I said, I never intend to hurt anyone. Never. When I say its a fact that women tap out before I do, thats real talk.

Well Im gonna end this now. Leave u wit a snippet...

"Im a troubled soul, I dial her 7 to tell/That Im stuck on both sides, battlin wit heaven & hell/"

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh went the lion...

Sounds of nature

"Nudity"
To me, its epic how skeptic I can truly be/After shawty holla "love", but I dont trust that she true to me/The "love" dance, you know, aint really new to me/But I hate the part where Im stuck AFTER the nudity/Not no clothes, Im not even talkin sex/Im talkin what do you do when you cant move on to the next/Cuz once I bare skin/Just to let you in/And you decide to pick up & leave/In most cases, Im sick but dont grieve/Cuz honestly, it even amazes me/How it appears as if nothin phases me/Smilin on the out, while screamin on the in/Knowin deep down, that Im jus fiendin for the win/Cuz its tirin waitin on the girl your dreamin will cause your "FIN"... Sometimes I wish I could see, your perception of me/Then maybe it'd help lead me to be/Whateva the fuck it is you need me to be/Cuz Im the ringleader of my own mental jamboree/Minus a top hat, secretly tryna figure out who I am to me/Some Jason Bourne shit, misplaced identity/Used to kno, but over time Ive defaced the serenity/Ended up like every other nigga, embraced my obscenities/Shittttt, do you even remember me?/"Like a Hess truck, Im a collector's item, circa '86/All these clowns tryna get wit me, its like a circus on my dick"/When I say things like that, its geared more towards bravado/And my lustful-ness, usually only wakes after goin towards a bottle/Of course, women love me & I love them back/But I get caught up to often in "this" act/And what I perceive to be fiction, usually ends up as fact/I stare in the mirror and sometimes hate what Ive grew to be/Cuz now Im afraid to be exposed, Im scared of the nudity...



enjoy a peak into the carnival which is my mind... i need some alone time. if i igg u for a few days, dont take it personal. im just goin through a lot and dont really have the words to say right now.

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh went the lion...

Boom-kack

... Yo... I know Im wrong. But it feels soooo good....










im high as a muthafucka right now. cot damnnn.








im keepin it 2gether tho... trust & believe.

It makes me happy...

Sadly... No new poetry. I been busy. I know Ive been igg'in a few folk. Some people, it was on purpose. Others, just slipped my mind. Besides the piece of liquor-soaked fruit, I had last Friday at that wack ass after party... I have been sober for a while now. Ive started smoking cigerettes and blacks like crazy tho. But at least Im not drinking. Today, I just feel so good. IDK Y. I just do. I woke up, looked in the mirror, said "damn u look good"(like i usually do), and got dressed. There is much to be said, but this is not the right time.

Oh... FYI Im down to weighing in at 220 lbs... Yea, bitches. The Lion said that.

turn ur speakers up lol

I actually think this is kinda illegal lol. But whateva... Originally I recorded these videos in an attempt to piss my dear friend, Dollface off lol.






The 1st one was 2 long, so I made it shorter lol. I tried sending them to her thru text, but it kept sayin that the size was 2 big. Fuckin fuck. It kinda ruined the fun. Oh well lol.




Even though Hulu should have up episode 1 by now as I type... I KNOW they aint got this lol. Teaser for episode 2 lol. There was supposed 2 be more chicken eating during this, but I actually ended up giving her some earlier tonight. So really... All of this was kinda pointless. Especially if this does turn out to be illegal lol. Whateva... TURN YA SPEAKERS UP!

Comedy From Tragedy... Hope u like.

"Comedy From Tragedy"
Comedy from tragedy, I frequent the L-O-L/Nah Im not the realest, but I spare no detail/Im not a player, just an opportunist/When it presents itself, I get ig'nit wit the opportune-bliss/So now we goin to the opera soon, miss/The fat lady, steadfast, singin through our break-up/Ya girlfriends comin 2 ya aid, bringin in the make-up/Beggin you to wake-up/I dont lift on the regular, but manage to stay cut/Both in the physical and mental/At times its hard to discern the physical shit I been through/Slowly slippin into a great depression/Growin more irate wit each suggestion/And it got me goin through a speech recession/The best comedy comes from tragedy, so I tend to laugh a lot/Im a work in progress, but a rough draft Im not/Been here a while, my story is bein wrote n pen/So my mistakes cant be erased, even when Im choked by sin/Ya hate is heard as gibberish, 2 me ur 1 of the Sims/The devil can wear prada, but I prefer my Timbs/No horns, no halo... Fuck it, Im just me/Old headed, young blood, no college degree/Proud? No... But it wont crush my pride/1 day success will find me, Im n no rush 2 hide/Wit trouble, I always brush then collide/Cuz wit such promise, Ive lived a life of 'misses'/Both on opportunities & bitches/Missed out on college, but fucked miss thang/Missed out on us bein 2gether, but still she sucked this wang/Comedy from tragedy, I frequent the L-O-L/Nah Im not the realest, but I spare no detail/Used to play the frog, now Im the prince wit no crown/Princess searched high & low, now all she wanna do is lay round/Stay down/Wit her back, flat on the mattress/Legs airbourne, but no matta how I please her, she appear as an actress/She phony now, when it used to be such thrill/Beyond her slut-skill/But still, I end up wit the raw end of such a clutch deal/I dont wanna be her king, so now Im the bad guy/But if, had I/Sell her dreams beyond the ones already sold/We would just decrease in value, cuz we already gold/With each passin day, the chance that Ill stay... To her, jus grows stronger/And it pains me to drag it out any longer/Maybe she's Ms. Right, but to me, she's the wrong "her"/And I yearn for the day, when folk ask, Ill say... "Yeah, man... Thats Her"/The queen of my dreams, the last chick is a blur/But alas, its all comedy from tragedy, I frequent the L-O-L/Nah Im not the realest, but I spare no detail/I laugh now, and try to refrain from cryin/Sobriety is painful, and at times I feel insane for tryin/Cuz in my brain Im lyin/In denial, about bein in that lane and flyin/Sign from God, that they stopped me/It sucks tho, cuz in my heart I kno thats not me/Anger fuelin my actions, is me outta trait/Im often in denial, but never hate/So I blamed others, who I call, brothers/When in reality, it was all on me/Now as the pain of thought falls on me/Im left askin myself, "what if"... What if, somebody died that night?/What if God chose not to glide that flight?/Cuz a nigga was soarin, wit my head in the clouds/Felt invincible, already dead to the crowds/I wouldnt listen, even tho niggas was talkin/Threatenin my mans, "you either get in or you walkin"/I lost all control, and thats what the drug do/Its like blood to a vampire, that I need to debug through/Like a snug flu/I try to fight the temptation/But cot dammit, I like the sensation/So when we fight, I keep gloves on, while she always bare knuckles/I dont mind her punch, but aint no such thing as shootin the fair "fuck-yous"/I catch a case of the "fuck-its", "fuck this, fuck that"/Whether Im sayin "fuck you" or "damn, I wanna fuck that"/ Between a rock & a hard place, yup... Thats where Im stuck at...

dont forget to read "Dirty Diana" underneath this 2 lol. I posted that earlier tonight, then afterwards decided to go finish this damn poem. So whoever reads this first, will be the 1st person to read it besides me. Cuz Im on my thirsty shit wit dis one lol.

"Dirty Diana"

So... Ive heard this song like a million times, and NEVER really listened 2 the lyrics. I remember one time gettin a lapdance to this song, and I was obviously 2 occupied with the woman in my lap to pay attention to the song. Its a great song for strippers to dance to by the way... Actually, there are a lot of songs folks would be surprised to hear in the strip club, but those wonderful women make it work... I love strippers. I respect any woman with enough confidence to do that line of work. Some of them are hoes tho. Its like video vixens, except they actually get nude lol. Its hoes everywhere. I dont judge nobody for the type of work they do. Thats their business. I applaud you, ma. I especially aint goin stop no chick from gettin her paper. Dont stand over here and talk 2 me for 2 long, I dont want niggas thinkin u my girl. Niggas dont tip as well if they think the girl isnt available. All apart of the fantasy. I tell my stripper friends that all the time lol... Folk can think Im gross for enjoying strip clubs if they want. I really dont care. Most people are closed-minded fucks anyway. Dont blame me cuz I can see outside of the peon box your trapped in.

Anyway, that really wasnt what I was going to talk about. But I changed my mind. Im not going to talk about what I intended to anymore. Its pointless. Sooooo... This is goodnight.

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh went the lion...

How do I put this...?

"Seems like I always had crushes on chicks I couldnt have/And then I end up fuckin wit someone I shouldnt have/See in my mind, its like Im perfect for her, I gotta show her/But sadly, in reality, dawg I dont even kno her/But still somehow she got my mind infatuated/Absolutely fascinated/Wit the thoughts of what she might be like/Time after time after time, I had to wait this(?)/Is fate procrastinatin? I can take it, cuz I might be right/... This is the girl of my dreams/Is she as good as what she seems?/Or am I lyin to myself?/Aye, should I try and get some help?"

Real shit... I hate thinking about her lol. She's so secretive that Id never truly know whats goin on in her chrome dome. She stares at me when she thinks Im not looking. Either shes undressing me with her eyes, or thinking "why do I continue to mess wit this clown?"... I look at her wit amazement myself, like "why do we keep endin up like this?". Got every reason to stop fuckin wit me, yet wont. I foxx wit her tho, hardbody... Shes growing on me, a lot. She gets upset by comments on other women, but thats just me. Im still not really messin wit anybody else like that currently. Im not really lookin for love anymore. Cuz I flip-flop all the time. One day I wanna be in love, then the next I wanna be single. Blah... I do miss her tho. Kinda pissed we didnt get to knock boots this weekend while she was in town lol. Oh well... Guess Im back to holding out. She is the only person Im fuckin. "Fuck what you heard, its what you hearin"... The ONLY...

A bitch goin have to seduce the shit outta my single ass to get in these draws lol. Its not like I couldnt fuck someone else, I just choose not to... Sobriety has helped me realized that my drinking is a large portion of where my lustful-ness comes from... When Im sober, I could care less about meeting new potential mates. But when I drink, I just wanna fuck at the end of the night lol. I talk to one other female, who actually is in town. But we not fuckin. Shit, I barely have ever really hung out wit her outside of work lol. Shes fuckin awesome tho. It just wouldnt work. I find her very attractive, she jus WAY to busy for me. I dont mind a busy woman, cuz I dont want anybody 2 be in my face all the time. But shawty hotcakes, is TOO busy. My ego hates being ignored lol. Im the one that does the ignoring. And she iggs the shit outta me for days at a time lol. I stay doin shit myself, but I usually always have time to text. How you think I keep gettin damn near 3000+ sms msgs SENT a month? lol...

I hate trying to figure out whats goin on. So I assume that nothing is. She does what she does, and I do what I do. Oh yeah, this part is about someone completely different then the previous two. Mattas fact, Im not even gonna say much. There really isnt much to say. Regardless of how I may feel for any other woman, I will always be there for her. She'll always be, to me, whateva the hell she is to me lol. Jus kno she da fuckin best...

I still feel like this will somehow, someway, be takin way outta context by ppl. Which is why I really didnt wanna post this. But its my blog, and I only write whats on my mind and in my heart. Ppl often take one thing I say and find someway to get offended. Its like when a white person says "you people r the greatest", while referencing a group of "coloreds" and then one "colored" finds it offensive and responds "what the fuck you mean, 'YOU PEOPLE'!?". White person responds "huh, excuse me... I just said your the greatest"... "Colored" says "SO WHAT!? Im offended now... Fuckin racist!" lmao

My Darlin' Baby...

So as I download the new Kid Cudi... I decided to check out www.hotnewhiphop.com, and ran across a song called "My Darlin' Baby" by Lil Wayne & Drake... I dig it. Havent really blogged in a while. Got a lot goin on. Just havent felt like spillin my guts on the net. Been writin tho. I just feel like some of the shit isnt ready to be seen. If you write poems or anythin for that matter, you can prolly relate. I think Ill put up a preview lol. I wonder how many ppl actually read this shit anymore. Whateva. Sometimes its kinda disappointing when I think Im posting good shit, and get no comments lol. But its still whateva.

Remember, these r just snippets lol...

This is from "Pain Pill 2"... "Pain Pill 1" was my last post actually...

"Im not a player, just an opportunist/When it presents itself, I get ig'nit wit the opportune-bliss/So now we goin to the opera soon, miss/The fat lady, steadfast, singin through our break-up/Ya girlfriends comin 2 ya aid, bringin in the make-up/Beggin you to wake-up/I dont lift on the regular, but manage to stay cut/Both in the physical and mental/At times its hard to discern the physical shit I been through/Slowly slippin into a great depression/Growin more irate wit each suggestion/And it got me goin through a speech recession/"

This is from a poem I call "V3" aka "Ventilation 3" lol... Yeah, I write in parts lol. The other 2 r on in my facebook notes. I gotta transfer them to my notepad btw...

"The best comedy comes from tragedy, so I tend to laugh a lot/Im a work in progress, but a rough draft Im not/Been here a while, my story is bein wrote n pen/So my mistakes cant be erased, even when Im choked by sin/Ya hate is heard as gibberish, 2 me ur 1 of the Sims/The devil can wear prada, but I prefer my Timbs/No horns, no halo... Fuck it, Im just me/Old headed, young blood, no college degree/Proud? No... But it wont crush my pride/1 day success will find me, Im n no rush 2 hide/Wit such promise, Ive lived a life of 'misses'/Both on opportunities & bitches/Missed out on college, but fucked miss thang/Missed out on us bein 2gether, but still she sucked this wang/Comedy from tragedy, I frequent the L-O-L/Nah Im not the realest, but I spare no detail/"...

Mattas fact... I might just throw those two snippets into 1, and just add to it lol. Now that Ive put them on 1 page, they could kinda go together. What u think? If I decide to do that, Im jus gonna scrap both titles & think of somethin new lol. The rest of "V3", gets really in depth wit some of my past relations. It was originally written just for my eyes, hence the venting lol. They can read it when Im dead & someone finds my notes lol. What did 50 say, "When I die, they'll read this & say a genius wrote this" lol. Sleep on me then. I really should release a book of poetry. Maybe.

Its been a while... lol

"Pain Pill"

Always ready, Im G.I. Bro/An 80's Nike ad, ask Bo, cuz even he know/Year '86 to be exact/Cuz I just do it, free will, I dont kno how to act/A reckless wreckage, lil mama say Im a mess/But compared to any other shes had, she say Im the best/But publicly, she denies her love to the rest/With no "S" on my chest, I still call her my Lois/And you prolly will neva notice/How I used to feel like Superman trapped as Clark Kent/But somedays Im just trapped in the booth/Where did this tie come from? When Im still tapped in my youth/Days when I finally do step out to crime fight/Im neva interested in the lime-light/I jus wanna save Lois from that bottomless pit/Fast enough to the point she say, "Oh he done got him some shit"/Then she consider me her savior for the time being/Wantin me to follow her forever, but Lo, Im a blind being/Im only super when needed/And I swore that I pleaded/My case to you/That in order for me to stay in the face of you/I gotta keep on chasin you/Cuz once I got you in these super hands/Lois... Ima show you the true Superman/Newspapers glorify me, while tabloids spread my gospel/Highlight of my high-life, that I was bred to be un-hostile/But in reality, I got an appetite for destruction/Once my innocence was a victim to abduction/Through seduction/In rolled the crave for reproduction/Better yet, just conduction/Cuz Ive never re-produced/But when that kryptonite got me induced/I get re-introduced, to my B-side/Tried to cut it off, failed, then I re-tried/But I relapsed, fallin to my kneecaps/Lookin to the sky, askin the Lord why... Why oh why, cant I just get rid of I?/Cuz Id rather forfeit my life, then believe Im wrong for bein prideful/Even tho, its so fuckin delightful/Its actually insightful/A double-edged sword, I lost the best I ever had/To my friends, I say Im blessed, Im never mad/But in the back of my mind, I hear my conscience call/And it keep wonderin when Im jus let this nonsense fall/Got it all backwards, I love life, but lustin for love/Im jumpin out the window, no Browz, just a push and a shove/Everyday is a repeat, cuz the world is filled wit women to woo/But whats important, is what these women mean to you/When it comes to girls, Ive dished more blows then I take/I hit a homerun, but got injured as I dove to the plate/Why the fuck was I divin? Im only 22/Love is like communism, and I hate doin what plenty do...

Being Sexually Active...

First Im gonna do a test and see if this video actually uploads. Its not the funniest thing. Prolly not very funny. But my teeth look good as shit lol. Plus if this works, there will be much more videos...

Anywayz, moving on... Umm so recently, Ive been on some bullshit. Im not gonna get 2 much into it, becuz you neva know whose reading. So, I just feel like if your a straight male, and your 20+ having sex... You NEED to be eating pussy. Niggaz that dont eat pussy are pussies 2 me. I started late as shit with it, I wont lie. But I regret it. I LOVE pussy. Eating it is the best. Im a freak. If your a straight female, and your 20+ having sex... You NEED to just get over yourself and suck some dick. Cuz nowadays, if your fuckin with no suckin... You aint fuckin me. Oral sex is the best period... Thats why 69 is like the best of every world lol. Another thing, if your having sex and choose NOT to use a condom, please realize that your choice is your choice in that moment. But if you end up pregnant, in my eyes... Its not up 2 you anymore. Thats a LIFE in your/her belly. Unless the very unfortunate happens where u had sex against your will. But if your a willing participant, and you choose not 2 use protection... Dont come back 2 the mirror in the bathroom in 2 weeks, like "what the fuck!?"... I dont believe in abortion, if you didnt catch that. If you not ready to be a grown up, dont do the grown up... fuck that. I had more, but its 3am. Just left Elaine's pad wit Sika. Its crazy, cuz we didnt even have any convos about sex, but this shit was in my head the wholeeeeeeeee time I was over there lol. But I need sleep. Im makin grits in the morning lol.

Dead ass seriously

So Ive had this idea in my head for a few months now, just never enough guts lol. I wanna make a mixtape. Not just consisting of rap tho. Barely rap. Im not a rapper, jus a poet. If your one of the ppl that actually read my poetry, then you'll recognize some shit. Im jus gonna take some of my poems I feel should be vocalized and vocalize them lol. BUT I am going to write all new shit. Im just doin this shit for me, not for anybody else. Just me. Just Ry. I was gonna name it "Angels & Demons: My life of rhyme"... Corny? Its still a work in progress. Or just "Love, Life, Lustful"... I dont know lol. Fuck it, Ill jus name it "Working Title" lol. Of course, Ima have special guests on there. And I got a surprise for all who hear it lol.

Am I wrong?

Am I wrong for not wanting to hurt anyone? Am I wrong for not wanting to get hurt? Please, go right ahead and believe everything you may hear about me. I dont care. People talk about all the time, good or bad. But deep down in my heart, mind, body, and soul... My views on the world are on point. Girls have done me wrong... And I havent been any better. Im not perfect. Im not a saint. I believe in God, and I also do believe in true love. Ive never met God, but Ive ran across true love(or so I believe)... But nobody knows what the fuck true love is. Love is blind. Relationships get fucked up. My mans dated this girl for 5 years... 5 fuckin years. Since he was a senior in high school throughout college. His last fuckin semester, she wants to break up all of a sudden... Excuse me? What? This is old news now, but we talked about it again yesterday. Its just on my mind... How after 5 years, u finally build up enough courage to say you feel unappreciated? Fuck that... I have been single-ish for the last year or so... I loved my ex. Still have love for her, no lie. But us gettin back together, will NEVER happen. So Im over it. I feel as tho, the way things actually ended was fucked up. And then some newer shit dealing with her, is even more fucked up in my eyes. Everybody says that I did 2 little 2 late. But fuck that... I was still there. Yeah I did some fuck shit. But I was still there. I loved her. Then the next lady I was seriously involved with, I loved... Nah, love. Her. As far as Im concerned 2 me, shes the one that got away. FUCK what everybody says. We're so alike, yet so different. Its weird, but I love it. Im truly happy for her, and Ive said that numerous times. I feel like, if shes happy... Im happy. I wont start no trouble inside the waffle house lol. But if she needs me, Im there... I prolly really shouldnt even be writing this. But my blog is named "Say Whats Real" for a reason. I keep it real. I dont wanna get into ANY of my current events, because I feel I would jinx it. Im living and loving life right now, no note, no insurance. Just a phone bill and debt lol. Rent free is the way 2 be lol. But whateva... If you dislike what Im sayin, then unfollow me. If you love my real talk, stay tuned. I got some shit comin up soon. Promise. Mad drafts lol. Im bout 2 go rub it out then sleep then go to work lol. VA NEXT WEEK BABY!!!! 

I dont...

So... Maybe I jumped the gun a lil bit. After further thought, I dont want a relationship. Im still kinda immature in some aspects, and I REALLY REALLY dont want hurt anyone else. Nor get hurt by anyone else. Id rather just have companionship. Thats not to say that Im gonna still be out fuckin whoever. I havent had sex in a while, contrary to popular belief. I just want somebody thats gonna be there for me and Im there for them. I dont need anything official, because once things become official, things get hectic and crazy. I dont like hectic and crazy. Im a simple dude, in some ways. It doesnt take much to please me, but at the same time, it takes a lot 2 please me. I just want somebody thats gonna be there when I call, when Im horny, when whateva pops off. I dont plan my day out besides work. So after that, I usually have options of what is going to happen. I try to pick whateva I think I would have the most enjoyment out of. I have a freestyled styled lifestyle. I need someone that understands that. Cuz if she understands me, then Ill understand her. Im not a jealous dude. So ma, if Im doin me... Do you. But when I wanna do you, make sure you wanna do me. Thats not even from a sexual standpoint. Im not sayin I wanna be the boss of the companionship. But if u wanna spend time wit me, VOICE IT. Dont get mad cuz Im at the strip club or whateva again. Tell me, cuz Im willing to compromise. I dont feel like typing anymore, and I dont feel like drafting this... soooo... yea

YIKES!

Let me explain this first... Mattas fact, nah. Ill explain later. Ima let people jump to conclusions first. I have to go post a blog on my other blog as well at www.theniceguyvsthejerk.blogspot.com check it out... Show Pooh and me some love. And PLEASE dont hesistate to ask me or tell me how you feel about this one right here. I really dont fish for compliments much, but I just literally finished this and didnt let somebody go over it before posting it. I dont care either cuz its just some shit I was feeling. Like I said, Ima let yall jump to conclusions before I explain it. Anyway, hit me...

"Satire Poetry(More Then Likely)"
Nobody ever told me, be careful who you give your heart to/Cuz once you mean that L word, thats the minute that they start to/Set apart you/From dem otha muhfuckas, who done came and went/And cot damn man, its a shame Ive spent/A portion of my life/Lookin for endorsements and a wife/I been lookin for love in all the wrong places/And this fuckin liquor got me in all the wrong faces/But I cant place the blame, when I still race the game/Jus when I think Im winnin, I get caught up often/And then the game catches up, costin.../Me, the sweet taste of victor-ree/Im a captive of my own war, a classic P.O.W/So if ever we fell out, jus kno that it wasnt you/My inner demons fly back thru after each external battle/And damn theres no rain, but I stay sleepless in Seattle/But my version of Seattle is the 19th Ward/Excited when I meet a chick on the 1st, but by the 19th Im bored/So we reach the series finale, no return next season/Gone off air, not cuz of ratings, just network reasons/The dramedy that was us, had all the buzz durin the pilot/Had the producers so excited/But I got stage fright, and couldnt fight it/And I kno you dont like it/But its easier to jus walk away then right it/Im spilled milk, so please dont cry for me/And right now, I cant be as good as Id like to be/Cuz Lord knows, more then likely, I love you/And at this very moment, I prolly dont want anyone, but you/But once you turn around and leave/And Ive run outta tricks up my sleeve/Babygirl sweet cheeks, please believe/That Ima moan for you/Cuz more then likely, Ive shown to you/A piece of me, I kno that has grown on you/Not sexually, but Ima miss you next to me/For more then likely, jus about a month or two/Listenin to slow R&B, wit E&J and fuckin up a blunt or two/But my pride is thick, so nah, I wont run to you/Nor come to you/Cuz I kno you'll move on, soon-er then I will/Folk goin say "I fucked up", but Ima say "if i could tune her into how I feel"/And she see whats in my heart, rather then my actions/She wouldnt pick up and gather her attractions/Cuz then she'd notice my adaptions/No lie, at 1st I cant picture her bein the last forever/Plus how can I believe this goin last forever/When Ive failed in my past endeavors/I jus wanna broad-cast some letters/Grade school shit, ME+U equals us/Dont believe the haters, cuz me sayin "I love you" equals trust/And yeah I still might fuck up right then/Perfection takes time tho, stop lookin for the right men/When the right guy, might I... Say/Dare I, its just a scared I/Scared to try, scared of Ry/Cuz Im afraid to give you Ryan/I dont tear up, cuz Im afraid of cryin/Smile now, then cry later/So I smile for the public and scream "Hi Hater!"/But once they gone, Im more then likely wit some drink in me/Puffin this black, listenin to R&B/Holdin tears back, tryna forget who you are to me...

Wingman...

So Ive realized... Im the best wingman lol. Yo, I play the wingman so much that I gotta be the best at it. Cuz usually its some hot girl wit her big homegirl. And yall know by now... I DONT have a problem wit big girls, as long as they are cute or whateva. But thats besides the point... Really there is no point. Just kno that I play wingman alot with no intentions on getting a number. But for the most part, I do and the asshole who asked me to run interference, either ends up having sex with the girl while Im in the living room still chattin up the big girl. You have no idea how many times this has actually happened lol. It didnt happen tonight, but I just heard some shit about a wingman and threw me for a spin. Sorry...

Im keepin this short tonight... Omg... Im listening to this song by Sammie called "Unfaithful", and cot damn... Is all Im gonna say. Goodnight. Its now 2am. I have to be to work at 9.

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh went the lion....

"Dark Knight" reference lol

I dont have a type as far as bodies go... Let that be known. I like 'em all. If women lacked personality, I would be a far worse person. Truthfully. So if Im with a woman, its not based on her body. Its her personality that has me comin around like that. Thats the sexiest thing about a woman to me. If she can make me laugh, make me smile when I see her just by standing there... Then I want her. Im an ass man, but Ive never messed around with a girl with small breasts. Truthfully. Nothing below a C for me... And face. I absolutely love the detail that God put into a woman's face. I think I think about other shit when it comes to a female. I can be easily turned off, but just as easily turned on. Im a complicated simpleton. I like my earlobe sucked on, but not the tongue in the ear shit. Yuck. I dont like my nipples kissed nor licked nor bit nor PINCHED. It feels weird. I like to please. Very much. I have one nickname that I still like, but it will remain a secret between my friend and I lol. Do the initials "M.E.", ring a bell??? ::smile:: lol. But whateva... Im in luv wit a stripper lmao. Yall have no idea what that really means... Which is why its so funny. I wish I could explain, but I cant. Not right now at least. Ive learned that sometimes, I just gotta keep some shit to myself. So like Batman did in "Dark Knight" when he kept a secret from Lucious Fox about the government contracts, "Im playin this one close to the chest"...

I dont tell lies, I may withhold the truth, just to avoid hurting someone or gettin myself hurt. But if you ask the question, I give you the honest answer. So I feel like if anybody is wondering something dealing with me, please hesistate to ask unless you want the truth. Like seriously... Only time I lie is when Im jokin around about somethin silly and Im tellin a silly story or whateva. Pooh said it best the other day... "He the type of dude that if he's NOT tellin you things, then you should worry"... I dont kno if that was word for word, but yeah... Im honest even when it doesnt benefit me. No point in tellin lies, boo boo. Cuz apparently when it comes to me, the truth always comes out sooner or later. So why wait? Im hungry now, wheres the snickers!?

Im done now... Off to work

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh went the lion...

So...Umm...I want a woman....... kinda

So lately I been vibin to this John Legend, "Evolver" cd... I love it. Right along with the Ryan Leslie. Keri Hilson cd is good too. But whateva... Anyway, being single has always been a love/hate thing with me. It has its ups and downs. You would think that if your single, you cant hurt anyones feelings... NOT the case. And I swear, I never meant to hurt anybody wit my bullshit.

Admittingly, I have done some very wrong things to the other sex. And Im man enough to note that and try to change my wrongs the next time around. I just want a woman, not a girl, thats woman enough to accept me and all my past endeavors. Just because I wasnt shit when you met me, doesnt mean its goin be the same later on down the line. Nobody knows what the future holds, so I cant make gurantees. I dont expect my woman to make gurantees either. All Im askin for is a woman who knows how to let go. Live and let go. Im not saying the women who Ive previously been involved with were not strong, but they didnt know how to drop shit. I dont like to argue. Life is too short to dwell on bullshit. Ima make more mistakes, I already know that. And Ima expect my woman to make mistakes also... But heres the big picture...

If I love you... Then I love you. If you are the woman that God chose for me to have accompany me through my dreams and the one meant to share my future with... Then Im with you all the way. Check my track record, when I say "I love you"... I mean it. They left me. I didnt leave them. I love and respect them still, but they left. Im not mad, becuz I feel like it just wasnt meant to be. I dont hold grudges. But this is also why I say I need a strong woman. Somebody who isnt goin to break easily. Cuz honestly, Ima put you through the trenches before I give you all of me. Sorry. But all I have in this world, once you might leave is myself. If I give you all of me, and then you leave me... What do I have now? A broken heart and a box of tissue? Fuck that. I have to protect me at the end of the day.

I havent met a woman who put me through the trenches before giving me her all. Women are clearly more emotional then men, and thats cool I respect that. But women also continue to fall into the same shit over and over because of their emotions. Lovin before love is actually there. And thats not directed to ANYONE. So please dont think so. Please, dont anyone take this personal. None of this is personal. Im just speakin my mind. But yeah... I say this all the time. If people realized that the person your involved with is just a WANT and not a NEED. This would flow easier. I dont need a woman. Not at all. I just want one. Because I feel Im ready for one. But Im also in it to win it. I want my next girl to be my last girl. No matter if I start dating her tomorrow, or next year or 4 years from now.

If I cant see a future with you, I will no longer make any attempts at anything other then sex or casually dating you. No longer will I "sell a bitch a dream", as Pooh says I do lol. Anyway, Im dead ass serious... I want a career relationship, one that I can enjoy doing everyday for the rest of my years. Not a dead end job relationship, where Im dreadin your face after 6 months and I jus want out but end up wasting a year or two, tryna find me....

Im filled with complex simplicity lol.

Back to "The Lion"

I fell off of bloggin for a minute as you can tell by the dates... But fuck it. A lot of shit has been goin on, that still Im not ready to open up about. But when I am, I will be honest and real about it. Otherwise, this whole "Say Whats Real" title just wont fit...

Anyway, Im a firm believer in, that I think the whole world of relationships would be a lot easier if people realized that they are just a want and NOT a need. Me personally, I dont NEED a girl. I just want one. God made us all perfectly capable of surviving alone. The only love you need is the love of your family and that of God. Because no love is greater. Soooooo with that being said...

Nobody ever came to me and said "be careful who you give your heart to"... Never told me, this is how you treat a lady. Never told me that, when you love somebody... You make it work... I grew up off of visuals. The niggas who I grew up with, whether family or friends was dogs. On tv, music, music videos... dogs. Im a product of my environment. I hate to admit it, but yo... Thats me. For now. I want to settle down, but my bite right now is stronger then the average. I love women. But I want to be with just one woman. Its just that in the back of my mind, I feel like Ima hurt the next girl up. And I DONT want that to happen. Becuz I want my next girl, to be my last girl then my wife then the mother of my children then live happily ever after.

God has blessed me to meet some AMAZING women. Mo and Dollface are at the top. Real talk. I love the shit outta those girls. But they have both moved on, and I promise you... I am so happy for them both. Im not a fighter, but I would be if they needed me to be. I have done wrong to a lot of women, and Ive been wronged. But its all gravy. I still smile everyday, even thru my stress. Im STRESSED out...

Umm I was gonna add more to this, but Im kinda sleepy. Plus Im bout to eat, yes its 3am. But so what? I was gonna go a lil more in, but whateva. I could jus draft this, but nah... So be it, right?

Love me or hate me... Ill talk more about this when Im sober.

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh went the lion...

All type of feelings...

WOW... Umm I had a real ass talk via text with one of the most important people to ever enter my life yesterday... Mad random too. She came outta nowhere, and we ended up textin for hours. Im so proud of her. Honestly. She knows how I feel about her. We laid a couple of things out that have been waiting to be said for forever now...

Im listening to The-Dream's "Love vs Money" right now... My twin lol. This nigga even thinks like me lol. His whole cd is NOT about love, this nigga is straight sex lol... It may be that he's talkin about makin love, rather then just casual sex but its still some shit that I feel I would say. Even though Im a virgin lmao.

I met a nice young lady the other day, when I was on my bummy lookin shit. I dont know how this keeps happening. Im not trying to meet new people. Im really not. But I thought she looked familiar, turns out she wasnt. But we kept talkin, and then after 5 minutes or so, I just simply said "We have been talkin for 5 minutes now... And for some strange reason, you dont have my number yet"... She laughed and said "does that really work?" and I said "I dont know, you tell me... My number is 719-blah"... Now we're texting at this very moment. Im gonna delete her number tho, I just like to talk lol. So for now, since everybody else is sleep, Ill continue to entertain her.

Im going to be listening to that new Ryan Leslie prolly tomorrow. I havent burned a copy of it yet, but I did wit the Dream, and I dig this cd. Well Im leaving now... I was a lil sad before I started writing this, but now I feel a lil better. Im going through a lot(like usual), and it always tends to hit me at 1 time. Oh well... Ive rised from the ashes before, this will just be some more hills to climb. Love me.

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh went the lion...

2:30 pt.2

Didnt feel like waiting lol. Plus Im goin out tonight, so I prolly wont touch the computer later... But whateva... Coo!

"2:30 pt.2(original ending)"
Its 3 now, she finally shows... Calls me, I answer to cryin/I say "whats wrong?"/She answers me, "Ryan..."/Then a pause, but I hear her still cryin/I go out, cuz I care 4 her, show her the real Ryan/I could be her Superman, but I dont see her as Lois Lane/So I hope he aint hit her, cuz Im not bout to go insane/She say he cheatin, and I think 2 myself, "Slim, u r too"/A nieve lil mama, I reply "we all do"/She gazed at me, tears in her eyes, then slapped me/Glasses fell off, and honestly right now, she only attract me/Knowin she crazy, I prep myself, hopin she attack me/But she only cried some more/I say "look at where u are. You cryin... But what for?"/Just keepin it real, or so I thought/Cuz she replied wit somethin that I knew, but so hard I fought/"Are you serious? I LOVE him, your just my dick in a bottle/And every night Im here, Im takin a chance like lotto/Yeah, you fuck good... But every night, your drunk/Its easy to leave, cuz he aint home either, but aint no fakin this funk/He the front of the ride, and Im sorry but Im breakin this trunk/Never again... Im not takin this junk/Gotta do whats best for me and my daughter/And he aint playin daddy, cuz thats her father"/I had no words... Speechless but not hurt/I been knew that things wouldnt work/A lil struck tho, by the words she spewed/Reality check, fuck that, it kinda hurt me dude/But I undadig where she comin from/Im a lost one ma, only hit her up when Im wantin some/But it takes two to tango, so I can neva dance alone/And fuck it, if u takin a chance, dont answer the phone...

2:30...

Umm... I dont know if I should admit this, but a very good chunk of this entire poem is truth. I added some shit for suspense lol. But this is about my situation with a certain someone who will remain nameless. She will only be refered to as "Slim", because thats what I called her. Im not saying when this occured or anything like that... I just had it in the back of my mind. I actually wrote two endings, but Im only going to reveal one. Anyway, I hope you enjoy some insight into my personal life like you havent had it before lol... Ill prolly drop pt. 2 tomorrow for those that care.


"2:30 pt.1"
Its 2:30 in the A-M/I hit her up, givin her praises like amen/But all you hear outta my mouth is "Hey Slim"/Im high gravity, drunk off 2-11/My encrypted heaven/Aka Superman's kryptonite/Drunk cuz Im feelin blue, kinda like a crip tonight/She say "what u tryna do?", I say "shit, get right"/She reply, no sigh, "Oh Ry... Give me fif-teen"/I smirk then say "hurry, my shits mean"/She laugh and giggle/While in my mind, Im thinkin bout her ass and wiggle/We hang up, now my wang up/Pre-gamin, its a quarter of, still waitin/Tryin not to sip again, but got anotha Steel waitin/Fuck it tho, just cant wait for her to suck it yo/And nah, she dont give super head, I jus call her my Karrine/My one night, every night, we fuckin thru this life of sin/And deep down, I kno she aint the best of company/She show up, we argue ova lil shit, then afterwards she end up wantin me/The madder, the badder... I mean better/Hard to dead her, when anger make the pussy wetter/And Im a sucka for juices, she taste OJ type/Wheneva she show up, I KILL it, real OJ type/She feeds my lust, and all she need is trust/So I strap up wit others, but wit her, I dont use no rubbers/Cuz we see, eye to eye/Friends durin the day, she introduce her guy to I/Shoke my head when I met him/But he treat her good, so I let him... Carry on/Buyin her Prada, Louie & House of Dereon/Cuz I only might treat her to dinner/Then I fuck her, so deep down Im a winner/She know, I aint boyfriend material/And the only breakfast in bed I give is cereal/But she neva around for breakfast, cuz she go back to him/He prolly cheatin too, but that falls back on them...

Conscience Call...

This is just an excerpt from a song/poem thing that Im writing...

"In the back of my mind, I hear my conscience call/So I answer & listen, hopin 1 day I can let the nonsense fall/Got it all backwards, I love life, but lustin for love/Im jumpin out the window, no Browz, just a push and a shove/Everyday is a repeat, cuz the world is filled wit women to woo/But whats important, is what these women mean to you"

Thats the hook... I think. Im still not sure yet. Either way, you like? Im still writing the rest. Mattas fact, Ive been writing like crazy lately. Short stories, poems, and I dont wanna call them songs... But songs lol. I dont know why. Main subjects are: religion, love, and making love. All things I would like to say Im familiar with. I have had a huge conflict with my religious beliefs over the years, and at times... It still peaks its head out. I believe in God... 99% of the time. That 1% tho, is a pain in the arse. Cuz I cant get rid of it. I think A LOT. Way more then I let on. I keep a ton of shit to myself. People think Im some type of chronic asshole... That very well may be true. But I try not to care about what other people think. "Only God can judge me, so Im gone/Either love me, or leave me alone" lol. God and my family.

Speaking of family, Im trying to design a family crest lol. I told my dad he should get a tattoo and he said "nah, I dont think so"... I said "what if I designed a family crest and we all got the same one?"... He said "ill think about it"... He cant turn me down once I show up wit a O'Neal family crest tattooed on me lol. He has to go get it. My mom doesnt have one either. My folks are such squares sometimes lol. But they had to be big ass freaks back when they were doin the do. Cuz they made me, and I love doin the do and bein freaky wit it lmao. It has to be in the genes! Anywhoo HAWWWWWWWWWW, GOT YOU ALL IN CHECK! lmao

Im outtee 5000...

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh went the lion...

Reality

So... Its Febuary 20th. My lovely sister of 20 years has turned... 20 today lol. Wow. I love my sister yo. I will defend her til the death of me. Believe that. I should go get her name tatted today in honor of her. Idk... Who knows.

Anyway... Umm so lately, things have been so weird. Between you and me. And I dont know how to handle it exactly. Sometimes, I think to myself, "just pick up the phone and call". But I feel like it would be entirely ackward, so I hold off. Your happy where you are, and thats all that matters. All I do is add confusion and ignorant trouble. None of which you deserve. You deserve the best, cuz you are the best. So I hope whoever, does right by you. True story, I have nothing but love for you... The good outweighs the bad to me, and you dont have to agree, but I will always be here for you.

And honestly people... If you like Drake, you should have "So Far Gone". If you need a copy, please inform me... Ive made like 5 cds already lol. Great new shit. Or just go to octobersveryown.blogspot.com and download it yourself. Just do it... Febuary has been a good month for my music loving ears. "So Far Gone" dropped on the 12th, and now "Padded Room" is dropping 12 days later on the 24th. I fuckin love Joe Budden. I cant wait to bless my sense of hearing with that delight of rhyming. Its coming out in stores, so I have to go purchase it even though I already have some of the songs. "So Far Gone" is dropping in the stores as well, so thats another purchase.

Ima keep this short for whoever is reading this... I got a few things to do today... After my workout, Im goin to go watch some episodes of "WordGirl"(I enjoy the fuck outta that show for some reason). Then Im goin to go shower and get ready for this evenings events. Dinner with a large group of people for Rachel's bday, then bowling. I cant wait to beat some ass in bowling. Aight, Im outta 5000, cadets...

Say it with me now...

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh went the lion...

no jumping for me... yet

I fuckin love, "So Far Gone"... Drake should've definately charged for this entire cd. I would've purchased the heck out of it. I heard one of the best quotes ever, "Never ask for permission, just ask for forgiveness"... True shit. Live life...

So she went to thinking again, and asked me "why are we not together?"... While I have an answer... I dont have an answer. Like I said before, I cant see myself marrying her... Yet. Not to say she isnt marriage material, Im just not sure she is for me... Yet. Sure, whats goin on between us now is great. But whose to say that it will be the same once those effin tags are attached. I already feel like we go together, just not officially. Yeah, I look at other broads still... I even get a number every now and then, just cuz. I dont call them, I just get their numbers for the fun of it. Just to know that I can, I guess. Im a trip... She knows I do it. She even dared me to do it one time in front of her. I bitched out for a second like "this is a joke, right?"... She said "nah, I wanna see how u do it"... I laughed, then proceeded to do it lmao. Wasnt successful, cuz the girl kept lookin at "my special friend" and wonderin who she was lol. Oh well...

Geezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Life is so hard sometimes. Why did anybody let me grow my hair out like that!? lol... I swore I was a sight to see. Fuck that, I have to stay with a haircut. It does so much for my ego lol. Damn, I wanna kill that giant... But the David in me, feels like we wouldnt be Ry with out that Goliath.

And Pooh, I had a great valentine's day with you babe. Thank you... Even though I spent entirely more then I intended that night, I enjoyed the hell outta myself. And NO, I have not called the girl who I fell in love with in the club lmao. I keep lookin at her number, and cant bring myself to delete it yet lol. Its crazy, cuz I know I would never date her, she is entirely tooooo hood for me and as we all know, Im not hood 1 bit. I mean, shitttt... I wear cardigans and shit. Gangstas dont wear ties(unless their Italian lol). But I do fuckin love her high yellow skin covered in tattoos. Like all over? What the hell... I had to just get her number tho. Tatts on her chest and all over her arms.... I fell in love lol. You might have to delete her number for me, cuz if I keep it any longer Ima end up doin somethin or someone for that matter lmao. And I want more then just sex nowadays... I think lol

Anywayyyyyyyyyyyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Good day, mortals.

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh went the lion...

i love it...

First off, I got two shout outs last night on my boo, Sika's radio show lol. Im mad proud lol. Plus I love the show mama. Much love to you and Ru. G as well.

Besides the working out, I have been into so much. But didnt feel it was right to broadcast it... Well Ive neva been one to always keep good things to myself, so I give to the world. Let 'em go and let the next show improve. Im good tho... Mighty fine where Im at. Im bout to celebrate my 1 year anniversary at the warehouse on March 8th, then my 3 year anniversary on April 6 with Wegmans as a whole. In an economy where muhfuckas is gettin fired and laid off, I feel good. Im bout to be level 3 in a few months, so thats another raise ontop of the one I got last month. Job security... Wegmans is opening up 3 more stores this year. So thats more work for us lol. Yes... Overtime. Moneyyyyyyyyyy.

So Im caught up in The Crazy L Trio as I like to call it(Love, Like, Lust)... Love is far from tho... So really Im just caught up in a bunch of lust and like. Its no secret. I love women. And I love sex. Both recipes for disaster. I gotta stop fuckin girls that know each other. This is getting old lol. Drizzy said it best... "And promotors try to get me out to they clubs and say I have fun/But I cant imagine how/Cuz I jus see my ex girl, standin wit my next girl, standin wit the girl that Im fuckin right now..." That very thing has occured, just not in a club lol. The promotor is obviously one of the females, encouraging me to come to a party with her. And I decline, because I know who will be there and I know what we did last summer lol. Or possibly, still are doing. I cant have fun in that type of environment. Not at all. It reminds me of "Def Jam's : How To Be A Player" with Bill Bellemy lol. I am far from being anywhere near his calibur of player tho. I dont even like to call myself a player. It seems so juvenile.

Im not juvenile, I just havent found a women who makes me not think of other women. Its like this... My last two girlfriends, have 2 things in common... Me lol and they both made me completely forget other females existed... For the majority of our relationship. But eventually, they got all comfy as did I, and unfortunately I grew bored. No more sparks. And since I cant bring myself to break up with anybody, I jus started doin dumb shit to make her break up wit me... Wait, that is juvenile. Yuck. My bad. But still... One man's trash, is another man's treasure. Im not sayin that any of the women I have encountered are trash EXCEPT ONE. BIGGEST REGRET EVER. But its mum for that. Anyway, Im just happy that they all have new significant others. Thats cool. I got a lil somethin somethin as well. She keeps me excited for the most part, and I fiend to hear her voice. Im upset she has to work for Vday, which is why I dont have a date. I told her I was going to find another dinner date, cuz I really just want to go out. And she was cool with that. But whateva... The only reason I havent made it official is because I still cant see myself with her 10 years from now, honestly. Hopefully one day I will. I always say, I want a marathon not a sprint. I can get a girl when I want. But I want a wife. And if they cant understand that... They aint the one. And when I look over everything that Ive done... All I want is THE one. Not just SOMEone. Fuck that...

"Patience is a virtue" said Sama Ry, who was then trumped by "blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" went the lion...

I dont know anyone named Cupid...

I dont have a valentine yet... Gotta have one tho. If not, Im going to Venu... Cuz one way or another, Im gettin dressed up. I reserved this brand new cardigan just for that day. I just gotta go get this hat I want to go with it. But I bought a brand new tie as well. And Im gonna break down early and finally get a haircut. I hope whereever Im at, there is good lighting. Im takin pics like a muhfucka lol. Cuz even though, I always end up with a valentine some how... I have never gone out that night. I dont have to be to work until 1 on the 15th. So hopefully, my night is good to the point where I dont come home. All I really wanna do is have dinner. Maybe a movie. Just a nice lil candle lit set up. Wine and dine. Yeah, Ill have a fitted on... But itll still be classy lol. Mattas fact... If I dont have a date, the money I was going to spend at dinner will just turn into a tattoo. I been dying for one of those lately. So either or, its a win/win for me. I dont really care if I dont have a date. I just want to enjoy my night. With whomever it may be. Im gonna ask Pooh if she has to work that night... Its a saturday, so she probably does. But Im gonna ask anyway lol. Maybe she'll get off early and we can hit up Venu. I love that place. I hope its warm that night. Its beautiful today.

Omg... I cant wait for the spring. Hoodie weather. I love hoodies. I have so many. But like fitteds, I only wear a few lol. Awwww... Im going to buy like 4 more though, Ive already picked them out. And I have to buy fitteds to match them, so yay! And I found 2 pairs of shoes that I want. Ohhh and I love golddddddddddddd lol. Thats all Im sayin about that.

Im outta here now... Gotta go workout.

"Patience is a virtue" said Sama Ry...

Act 2...

"Self-Reconstruction act 2"
Issues deep rooted, but still a graphic show out. The attic of charismatic, against me theres no bout. But lack of competition, caused my view to be in high-defination. Or maybe it was jus the gettin high in repetition. But I deem my complexed addition, only added fuel to my already complexed vision. Inferno ignited, partially slighted even though I see the world through lenses. Full-time four eyes, but sight has neva been one of my strong senses. So Im blind to the facts, picture perfect but Im so conflicted. Passion for life crept up on me, and now Im so addicted. Wishin I was able to be more restricted before I had got convicted. But alas... A new pain just equals a new lesson. Hardheaded fella, been tryna subdue stressin. But I was told, "the shit you reap is the shit u sow/Tell God Im better then the shit I show"/Cuz mixin my feelins wit the shit I kno/Has lead me to lay down armor too thick to glow/Feelin too sick to grow, and the pace is so quick its slow/And right now, my life aint fightin in the right stance/Stuck in drunken monkey, tryna prosper minus the right chance/I flirt with death to the point where we might dance/But excuse you me, I dont wanna lay wit her/She longs for me to stay wit her/Yet I wont, so she stay bitter/Teasin me in a dress that was made to fit her/Decked out ruby colored, knowin how much I adore red/But I gotta get back to life, so I kiss her forehead/Leave her moist, mama jus achin' for more/But I kno her foreign terror-tory is forsaken to explore/Its my life, your entertainment/Yeah, I ushered in some T.I.P./But still manage to get flustered so u can see Im me/And me... Im a nervous wreck-o/Waitin on my secret service to let go/But yet no/Cuz sometimes when you shine ya flashlight on somethin already so bright/You eff up the whole sight, and whats left aint right/While she was glancin my direction, I was chancin her affection/But romancin her attention, had me dancin wit whats destined/I dont know what to make of us, prolly cuz there is no us/I am who I am, and by far, you are who you are/And it has me smitten/Thinkin bout the purr of her kitten/Right before I touchdown like a running back/Taste so sweet, its no wonder why I keep runnin back/And now Im stuck tryin to arrest her heart through poetic justice/While being so afraid of becomin loveless/You want me to say it, then fine, Ill admit it/That it scares the SHIT outta me to be commited/Mainly becuz no matta how right the Justice, Im neva Lucky/And whether its the good or bad way, somebody always wanna fuck me/But I dont always wanna... Do it/Some days Im like "screw it"/And I kno its hard to view it/Due to my history, but my past is history/Class? No social studies, but from my social studies/Ive gained some coastal buddies/But those em-effers, are jus dead weight/Im sheddin pounds now, jus so she can be my check-mate...

the good stuff is always near the bottom of the pile lol... happy valentine's day to all if I dont post somethin else before then... a lot has happened in the past week, but I havent had the urge to blog like that. Im still readin tho. Just havent felt like splashin my whole water wave over the net recently. Lotta silly, lotta bad, lotta good shit... Im still livin, out here grindin like Khaled I guess. Hair outta control. But I refuse to get a shave. Its not like I dont have the bread, I just refuse to do it. I like it. Ace keep yellin at me to cut it, but I feel like... As long as I still feel good when I look in the mirror, and Im not out here tryin to impress ANY fuckin body nowadays, Im good... I been hearin a lotta chitter chatter, even caught a few folk playin themselves, but its all GOOD. Regardless of the bullshit, Im still here. Alive and well. Ethel in the shop, but she jus goin come back bigger and badder. So its nothin... Recently, I sat down wit my pops who is currently in the hospital, and we talked about why... Why people dont like me. I told him, I aint give a fuck. He said, "you shouldnt". And that was that. So even though I really aint give a fuck before... I just got co-signed by Pops... So anybody who dont like me, can go eat a dick. Bitches...


blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh went the lion...

Just 33 facts about me...

1. I dont have a set type when it comes to women. I just love women. I feel that they are God's greatest creation. Even with all the emotions and craziness that comes with them.
2. I procrastinate like crazy and I hate it.
3. I am very observant when it comes to people... Especially when Im around them a lot.
4. Im a friggin whorebag for music. I love it all. Music makes me feel better, and helps me get through my day.
5. I feel like life is too short to grudge. So I dont. If someone dislikes me, then tell me. Not saying that I care to resolve the issue, because IMA BE GOOD REGARDLESS lol. But if they want to talk about their sour feelings instead of badmouthin me behind my back, then Im all for that.
6. People hate to love me, and love to hate me.
7. I hate falling in love... But it keeps happening. I think Im just in love with the thought of being in love. Im envious not jealous of couples with successful relationships lol.
8. I want to get married soon. And I want a whole boatload of kids... 9 to be exact. I love kids.
9. When Im good at things, I like to do them all the time. Which is why I like to have sex a lot lol.
10. I think Joe Budden is the best rapper alive, Jay-Z is the greatest. Point, blank, period.
11. I have an abundance of clothes, but like to wear the same shit a lot. I dont consider myself fly nor a baller. I just enjoy buying new clothes and not wearing them. "Spent a hundred bucks on this, just to be like 'Nigga u aint up on this'" lol
12. Im a very complex individual, but at the same time, very simple...
13. I HATE FEET. I would never approach a chick in flip-flops... Unless Im dumb drunk lol. Im slowly getting over my phobia of feet though. Its more like a thing of getting used to them when you see them all the time.
14. I have 6 tattoos so far. I plan on getting my whole upper body covered over time. Which is why Im working out now, because I already am VERY comfortable in my wifebeater, I just want to be comfy takin my shirt off at anytime to show off my tats lol.
15. I LOVE BOOTS. Yeah, I have a lot of sneakers but I wouldnt consider myself a "sneakerhead"... Ima leave that to Pooh.
16. I absolutely love chicks in heels. More pump then stiletto tho unless she got some pretty feet and her toes done. BTW, JUST CUZ YOUR TOES ARE DONE DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE PRETTY FEET.
17. Im a momma's boy. But I dont want my wife to remind me of her, I want her to be her own person.
18. Im not the jealous type, because I feel like somebody else will come along. Yes, that thought process is very wrong. But Im not gonna fight over any girl, I could love her to death and still just let her walk away. UNLESS, we are married. Then Im going to do everything I can to keep her with me. But otherwise, if she want that new dick, go get it ma. Do you, cuz Ima damn sure do me.
19. I write bomb ass poetry but cant rap for shit lol.
20. I am a Tennesee Titans fan... Yes, I was very hurt this year. Built me up just to knock me over. Damn you, Fisher!
21. I think that "Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia" is the funniest show on TV. Then "Flight of the Conchords"... With that said, the only person who I enjoy watching either of these shows with is Rachel.
22. With that said, the funniest person I know is Rachel. Not my sister lol.
23. And with that said, when I get my "Rachel" tattoo, its for my sister. Not my bf lol.
24. I own a lot of fitteds. I only wear like 3 though because I dont have anything else to wear with the others lol. So I keep them locked in the attic, in a safe for storage.
25. I drink. You all know that. I smoke every now and then, but its kinda hard now due a situation of mine lol.
26. I only say Im the shit, because Im no man's shit-stain... I think very highly of myself and I believe everyone should.
27. My honesty is sometimes a burden. It brings more drama then a lie would. If I could just lie more often, then things would be better lol.
28. I can be your best friend and your worst enemy.
29. I lost my virginity to a big girl. So I have always dug them more then skinny bitches. Like I stated before, I dont have a set type. But Id prefer a girl with meat on her bones then a skinny girl. I like em thick lol.
30. Im a sucka for a pair of sexyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ass LIPS.
31. I love women in sleep pants or sweatpants. Especially those Vicky secret joints wit "Pink" on the ass. The best.
32. I love accents. Or better yet, things about a woman's speech that make her standout. Like lisps as well lol.
33. Yeah, by some folks standards... I am considered a "hoe". But I do truly believe in monogamy. Its just that while I love being in a relationship, I love being single just as much. DAMN it. Conflicts of the heart...

First, last...

So while you distance yourself from me, I realize more and more why Im alone in the first place. I feel as though Im very authentic in my feelings towards people. Some way more then others. I dont care about many people, and its weird because the ones who I actually do care for only call when something is needed from me. But no longer will I be available. When it rains, it pours... And when Im up, seems like everybody benefits. When Im down, aint nobody around. So... Like I said before, Im learning to be content with being by just myself. Maybe its my fault in the first place, cuz I hate asking people for help for the most part. Every now and then, I suck up my pride and seek help. But the other times, I just keep my shit to myself. There lies the problem I guess. But blah... Pops always told me, "speak when your spoken to, come when your called"... So thats the shit Im on now. I dont have much to say anymore, so I dont want to call and waste anyone's time. Ill just wait until they call, my number hasnt changed. My address hasnt changed. Everybody knows I cant drive right now, so Im just in the house doing shit. I go to work, come home, workout inside the house, and go to sleep to do the same routine. Am I upset by that routine? Not at all... Anymore. Because it keeps me out of trouble and away from wishy washy characters. Saves me money. I havent gotten a haircut in weeks because aint nobody to impress. I dont give a fuck about girls. Just useless to me right now. My hand does the job. When I get my shit together, I might go fishing again. Until then, I have no need for a girlfriend. I used to want to have somebody to hold, but that feeling has subsided... Greatly. When Im ready for a girl, somebody will be there. Well, I gotta go do some more crunches before bed. Night...

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh went the lion...

Clearer View...

Quote of the week: "I love everybody, dont ask bout who I beef wit/They burned the bridge, but they was standin underneath it/Im on my grind, benjamin huntin/Was old since I was young, call me 'Benjamin Button'/And stop usin slang, jus for u to be cool/Cuz Ill go back to when it was cool to be you/Im a hero/No I mean, Im Hero, from 'Heros'/Dark-shade zeros/Muhfucka I jus got finished hatin me, feelin like a zero/They play Deniro/Never been there tho/So before your next thought, understand/No, its much more to me than a man/Either that, or move on..." - Joe Budden, "Move On"

Man... So, Im making changes in my life. Im going to get fit this year. Im very proud of myself so far, because Ive managed to do 100 push-ups each day for the last 3 days. Coming from a nigga who dont do push-ups, Im happy. Im going to try and maintain that pace until I feel like Im ready for more. That will hopefully rid me of these man-boobs. One of the only things I dislike about my body. So Im going to pause on getting my chest tatted until I see some results there. Another thing, I am now in grind mode. Like for real for real. Im going to TRY and stay away from clubs and parties until at least April. Because there is nothing there except bitches and trouble. Right now, I need neither. I am learning to be content with just being by myself. I miss not being able to drive. I remember when I used to get down, I would just hop in Ethel and pop in a cd, more then likely Mood Muzik 2 or 3. I would just ride around the 19th ward aka the only westside. Every now and then, I would venture out and go to the east side. But I hate that area. Prolly cuz I dont know shit. But whateva...

I am going to refrain from getting a haircut until my taxes come back. Maybe longer. Thats a part of grind mode. I want to change my look, and my lifestyle. Im preparing for my move. I have to pick a destination. I want to just go and start over. Be stared at because Im a new face. Have people judge me because I am new. And hopefully change their perception of me once we finally meet. I cant do that here. Because for some reason, "once a hoe, always a hoe". I guess. Im tired of trying to change everyone's view of me. Fuck it. Folk can call me what they like... Yes, I have fucked more then 5 girls. Yes, I have blackouted from drinking. Yes, I have done very stupid things in my life. But at the same time, I can admit my faults and embrace them... Im only human, and put my pants on, 1 leg at a time like your dumbass. Most people wont blame themselves, so they blame others. Most people live in denial. I am not better then anyone. But there is nothing wrong with thinking you are. Thats how you separate the winners in life from the losers. And I refuse to be a loser....

Hold on, time for some more push-ups...

But whateva... When I move, trust me... Im still gonna be an honest nigga and tell folk the truth when I meet them. There is a difference between lying and with-holding the truth. I cant tell everything right away, because I dont trust many. Its hard to trust when folk CONTINUE to fuck me over. I dont make excuses for my past, it is what it is. Yea, I fucked up some good shit. But its whateva, Im not gonna act like I dont care cuz I do. But I refuse to sit and dwell on shit... Im seriously happy that my ex has moved on, I was bitter for a while because I felt like she left at the beginning of trouble for me instead of ridin out like she claimed she would. But its all good... I dont need to know shit about her anymore beyond if she is still breathing or not. Congrats, if you ever read this. I would never wish bad on anyone. Do you, cuz I damn sure does me. Mattas fact, that goes for all my exes. There is a reason that they are exes, because they are not the one for me. There is 1 person for me. I dont know exactly when Ill meet her, if I havent already. But I hope God helps me open my eyes to her when the time is right... God please help me. I cant wait to get back right with the Lord. My life is crazy. I need calm.

"I look at alotta you cats and laugh/Cuz Im the shit, man and yall aint even passin gas" - Joell Ortiz, "Move On"

William H. Macy... blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh went the lion...

"I does what I does in shiny new dunks"...

Comparing love to being a sneakerhead...

Yeah... Yes... Of course. I want to be one of those people who line up early as fuck Saturday mornings for a pair of overly priced sneakers. Limited editions. Only 100 pairs were made of these in the world. And I got them at a discount for $350... But the more I think about it... Ive been doing just fine in my boots.

"Flyer then the rest of them, and still got my Nike boots"... Yeah, I know that song isnt completely about Nike boots. But I do dig that hook. Catchy. My boots have gotten me in trouble for big and little reasons. Yet, they have always been there for me. I cant help it. I fuckin love sneakers, when I have them, Im a completely different person. My walk and speech is different. With sneakers, comes romance and mushy shit. With my boots, comes an asshole and craziness. Some people act as if they want my sneakers until they realize its muddy outside and even though my sole isnt the cleanest, dont wanna take that risk. Maybe not to mess up my sneakers or better yet, their own. When I do cop sneakers, I dont go as hard as I should, and then I try to wait and see if the sneakers I want will make clearance. But a female's shoe, is different then that of a male's, usually. So while she sees mushy, I see I just dropped $350 at 4am on a Saturday morning in negative degree weather.

I hope that makes sense lol. I dont want to be a boot wearer for eternity. Its just that a female's shoe differs from that of a male's, usually. Which I believe, is like licking someone's asshole. That can be viewed in so many ways. A female can see it as just this dude is just into nasty sex. While the male can view it as a huge sign of his affection. And vice versa... The point Im trying to make is... While a good chunk of my life has been majorly about wearing boots, with time and thought, any and everybody can become a sneakerhead. Even certified bachelors... And mattas fact, even though becoming a sneakerhead can become dangerous. I want some sneakers.


Mariska Hargitay... blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh went the lion...

No more suicidal...

I took "The Daily Suicide" off of the title, because my pops walked by the screen yesterday and asked me... "You not still feelin like that are you?"... I replied, "Nah Pop, I cant leave yall like that. Thats just my blog"... Then we sat down and took shots of gin. I love my Pops. But still, lemme explain...

I dont know if I have told anyone about this ever. But still... Back in like the 8th grade, I had this english teacher, Mr. Morgano(best english teacher ever). He took my class to NYC for FREE. But beyond that, he made us keep a journal. My first signs of writing. And I remember, I was goin through a rough patch like usual it seems. My uncle died. My aunt died. And I was still thinkin about my grandpa being gone. I forget the other shit that was going on exactly. But still... I contiplated suicide. I actually was forced to see a counselor about it because my teacher read it in my journal and thought I was going to kill myself.

I actually did cut myself tho lol. But my punk ass didnt cut deep enough. Scar is still there. Its kinda my reminder that, no matter what happens... It still doesnt beat death. I stay smiling. I dont hold grudges. Because... I could be dead. Then who would yall be mad at constantly!? lol... Still, see... The best comedy comes from tragedy. I love that saying. Cant wait for that tattoo. Thats within the next months. Trust. That is one of my favorite sayings and I cant remember where I heard it first. I didnt come up with it. But I loveeeeeeee it. Prolly the only nigga you know with it tatted tho. Whatever... My life is a comical tragedy. Big ass train wreck, where nobody gets killed, just hurt like a muhfucka. And then later on, down the line, tellin their grandkids... They say "man, I was in a trainwreck a long time ago and everybody survived. And ever since that day, I have lived life differently."... Yeah... THATS MY LIFE! lol

Yo... So I started listenin to "Lost" by Gorilla Zoe again lol. I love this song. Damn I wish I could make music. My boo can sing, but I cant get her to sing to me. Ima get her tho lol. Yall wont know about it tho, cuz thats goin to be between us. But Ima get her...

Say it with me now...

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh went the lion...

She dont love me, she just love my doggystyle...

"Im jumpin out the window wit this one..." I FREAKING LOVE THIS SONG lol... Damn Ron Browz. I swore I hated this shit at first, but its MAD catchy. Especially once you get intoxicated lol. Man... I could probably listen to this shit all day.

I love Nicki Minaj, both as an artist and I think she is fine as shit. When I get rich, I want that. Speakin of me gettin rich... For some reason, I have had the very strong feeling of winning the lottery. 43 million to be exact. Only person Ive ever told that to was Dollface. Today I told my sister and Pop. Man, I got big plans when it happens. I literally have sat down and thought it out. Im cleanin up all my CLOSE friends credit. Then buyin them cars. I was goin buy a fleet of Range Rovers, but maybe everybody doesnt want one. So Ill ask first. Im donating 1 million to my church alone. And Im going to just work at the warehouse on saturdays. Openin up a slew of businesses around here. A bar, a bakery where my mom will be in complete control of. Like 2 or 3 restuarants, one for Pooh's mom, one for my mom, and prolly some crazy ass priced place that Im gonna call, "80 B"... In memory of my grandparents house where I was raised at 80 Bradburn. I went hard on that one lol. You like, dont front.

Im going to take a trip to Vegas or LA with 10 of my closest male friends... Then come back tanned, just to go on another trip to somewhere out the states with my closest female friends like Pooh, Rae, Delo, Sika, Dollface, Karla(for Rae lol), prolly Ki, if Pooh wants her there lol. And I cant think of any other females that I would want to go. Suggestions? Then, Im comin back to the Roc just to take yet another trip with just Dollface and me. Idk where we goin yet tho. Then after I come back hitched, Im goin on a shoppin spree in the city wit Pooh. Where Ill try my hardest to "run" into Nicki Minaj(if she is still relevant). Wait... The shoppin spree will have to come before the trip where I get hitched. Because once Im tied up, Im tied up. Plus... Nah... Pooh we cant go to the city. We goin have to go elsewhere lol. I jus remembered, I cant be around city girls. I loveeeeeeeee them. OMG. idk why. I just have always fancied a lady from the city, with their city accents and city sense of style. Speakin of "The City", that bitch Whitney is sexy as fuck lol. Id drink her bath water lmao. Anyway, back to the point...

Opening like 2 sneaker stores... One ran by Pooh, the other by Ace. Honestly, the two most knowledgable people I know about sneakers. I got more shit planned... I just dont feel like exposin my masterful plan beyond my trips and whips... Oh wait... The CARS! I almost forgot... Well, I dont want much ;p... Im payin off Ethel, and hookin her up. I always said, I want to keep my 1st car. So Im gonna do right by my baby. And then Im gonna buy a Range Rover, black and white. I can see it now. I havent really thought of anything beyond a Range lol. Well I have, but you'll just think Im disgusting lol. I saw Jeezy's new "My President" video, and I want that exact same Lambo. But thats after I start seeing revenue from businesses. Im fine with 2 V's for now. Plus, I want a house on a hill. Why? IDK lol. I just do. I want it at the top of the hill though and my driveway has to be like 60 yards. I want a flat way. Not one of those driveways where u gotta climb shit. Fuck that. Yo... fuck it lol.

I swear, thinking about shit like this helps me get through my day. I just wanna be able to help my family out at the end of the day. Provide for my kids, who dont exist yet. But they will someday. Make sure that everybody I love is straight when I am no more... Muhfuckas can call me an asshole all they like, I still have a big heart and just like my tattoo... Its family first.

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh went the lion...

Im a beast...

So today... I started a new workout routine. I thought about how untoned my arms are, and if Im going to get them tatted up like there is no tomorrow... I think they should be more toned. There just big right now. And for a guy, there should be more. So, Ive decided that while at work. Im going to workout, on top of the labor I already do. Simply by doing push-ups at the end of each aisle. I took pictures today of how long the aisles are and the skids and the power jacks. Just so people know what Im talkin about. I just havent uploaded them yet. But yeah, since I just started, I do 5 push-ups for now after adding to my skid. I made it to 70 push-ups today. Im kinda excited about that. I figure by the summer, my body will be in much better shape then it is now. Plus if I lose weight, my wang looks bigger lmao. Even though I dont need it too, thats just somethin I heard would happen lol. I dont think Ill become a gym rat like E... My nigga is a completely different dude. I saw pics of him from last March and he has lost mad weight. I never realized he was that big.

Quotes of the week: "Wow, how u been baby? But Im sayin... Even though we probably only link up every now and then/Wit minimal convo, look its really good to see you friend/Somethin I realized and I dont even have to mention/Is whether or not, you got me, thats somethin I never question/Sometimes I feel the people I love, dont appreciate me/And some will hate ya, u see the shit I been goin through lately/See, you was here when the shit started to go hay-wire/You still here, walkin wit me, goin through the fire/And I really love ya for it, I kno u all relate to/On everythin that I believe, and I appreciate you/And just for that, it dont matta, u can put that on my name/The way you rep, u let me be there just for u the same/Sometimes the pressure and the pain , it be wearin me out/But I thank you just for bein there and hearin me out/I got a clearer view... I thank God that you been there for me, Im here for you..." - Busta Rhymes, "Decision"

"Blame it on who? Blame it on me/She drink til she sleep, and she drinkin all me/I live in her cup, I watch the ice sink/She sippin all night, on some shit thats light pink/You kno they say, you are what you drink/Well baby, I gotta be Louie the 13th/And I could talk to her, where nobody hear/I liquor so good, she dont go around beer/" - Lil Wayne, "Blame It(remix)"

On another note... I cant wait to go see "Notorious" tomorrow. Im not surprised my phone hasnt rang today. I was suprised by the conversations I had yesterday with two individuals I never thought I would speak to again. Weird. But whateva... Im outta 5000. Im horny as fuck.

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh went the lion...

weird

Well not weird... But I dont like it, for some strange reason. I went to community service and in less then an hour of being there, I was hit on by both my manager and a customer. Both I am neither attracted too, but the customer is apparently a regular, so I expect more. Geez... And then at the Cheesecake Factory tonight, our waitress hit on me, not once, not twice, but 3 times... And gave me free alcohol. wtf. I was mighty happy, but felt dirty at the same time. Like do I just give off this vibe of wanting to just fuck whereever I am, no matter who Im with?

Maybe Im just in love with the thought of being in love. Because being in love is way better then just thinking about being in love. Am I in love? Yes... But the question is with whom. Myself? The woman who eludes me? The attention I get from women in general? Or simply just the thought of being in love? Idk... Well, I do. But Im on some "Girl, Interupted" shit... Cuz "Ill never tell-lll" lol.

Peach Redddddddddddd... Is mad nasty this time around. But I have absolutely nowhere to go in such harsh weather 2morrow. MAD LEFTOVERS. Fried chicken. Shepard's pie. Greens n beans(which is escarole, cannelini beans and italian sausage). hamburgers. And peach nasty ass red. Im neva buyin this shit again. yuck. but whateva... Im goin back to my bed... "They callin me" lol.

Richard Dreyfus... blahhhhhhhhhh went the lion

she rockin that thang like...

Girl, Im in love with you, baby, and I wanted to know/If you'd be my main course, cuz I dont want you to go/...

Thats my own version lol. The original lyrics to that song are "Girl I'm in love with you baby.And I want you to know.That I'm hooked on your body.And I'm trying to be your's."...

I tried to write my own version, but got tired lol. I just like that part that I made and the hook. Im sittin here listenin to mad, ummm mood music I guess. Plus this top-shelf is uber. Its makin my stomach rumble like crazy tho, but whateva. I felt like vibin for a minute, and I didnt feel like talkin on the phone anymore... By the by... I ABSOLUTELY HATE TALKING ON THE PHONE TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT. Like why the fuck are you calling me to hear me breathe!? Get a life! Or go hear some other breathing technique. So annoying. "Get in, get out, thats an OG classic"... Meanin, say what you have to then get the eff of my jack. People wonder why I dont call, its because you have nothing to say or at least nothing I wanna hear. I only call people I enjoy talking too, or for business. Other then that, my phone is annoying.Anyway, I overhear my sister's computer upstairs playing "Lions, Tigers, and Bears"... So Im gonna go listen to it as well. I freakin love that shit. I start community service today. I wonder how it will be. Im not gettin dressed up, cuz that attracts all the wrong attention and I dont want any anyway. I just wanna serve my time then get the fuck out.I wish I lived by myself. Or at least had my own place. Like seriously... I think Im a huge freak, like deep down inside. Cuz Im open to trying new shit, just no gay stuff. I love only ladies. And I dont want any girl or body for that matter comin near my asshole lmao. NOW THATS NASTY lol. Its crazy cuz Im dead ass serious... No girl will ever leave me because she isnt satisfied behind closed doors. If she does, she isnt the type of lady I want anyway. I havent even done it all, but Ive done a lot. I am a sexual being. I can not help it. I LOVE sex. I think my parents had to be huge ass freaks back when they were doin the do, cuz I love it way more then most people. I love watching it, doing it, learning it... Whatever. Im trying to tone done my talk about it beyond closed doors, but its a process. Whateva, I lost my point for a minute lol. My whole point with wanting a place of my own, is because some nights... Even though Im always in the mood to do it, I just wanna lay up next to the one I love. Not even have sex. Just lay there, holding her. The warm embrace that you can get off of another human being, during that point, is sometimes the most comforting thing in the world.

Just to be able to kiss the forehead, then hold onto the person your in love with like this will be yall last night together, everynight... Is something I wish I could do. I envy people in successful relationships. Not jealous. Just envious. Having someone to hold when the nights are cold, pressing up against their body. Arms wrapped around them. Smelling the sweet, delicious scent coming from their hair and body wash. Caressing their soft skin. Just loving without doing anything. Touch has to be my best sense, next to sight. Fuck that, taste as well. I LOVE THE TASTE lmao. But whateva... I just wish I had that. Wish I could do that. Sometimes, I dont wanna lay in my twin by myself. Like tonight... oh well...

side note... Pooh, I cant recall ya friend's name from the night we all went to the beach right now, but I started listenin to Wale. And I like what I hear. I kno u told me about him as well, but still... I just remember ya homeboy tellin me some shit about him as well.

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh went the lion

Good times

So today, while at work... My co-workers and I had a huge discussion about weed. I dont consider myself an expert at all, I just smoke whats passed to me. One dude said... "Man, u gotta smoke if you goin work here. This place will drive you crazy!"... That nigga is 45. I love old heads lol. Listenin to these grown ass men, have a huge discussion in the open, clear as day was the best. And it made me reminisce... Is that spelled right? I dont feel like checking. Anyway, I miss those times where I was legally able to do such illegal activities. Now because of probation, I have to be more mindful of my actions. But fuck it... I miss those times when dollface and me would chill and smoke right after both of us got outta work. Like seriously... We would smoke, then go watch an episode of "Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia", then go get Fatone(lol) then come back, find food, and watch yet another episode of what has to be the funniest show in the world... At least to us. Ive showed that show to a dozen other people, and they just dont laugh like she does. I miss that... I cant watch for the next season. Its like the grilled shrimp of TV to me. I loveeeeeeeeeeeee grilled shrimp. Fuck it, I just love shrimp.

Anyway, back to the store... I remember this one time, at band camp... lmao. I had too lol. But seriously, i remember this one time where we had "Hindu Kush" with maple flavored Kingpins... awwwwwwwww the best. I had the taste of maple syrup in my mouth for hours, I wanted waffles soooooo bad. My love affair with smoking doesnt compare to the one I have with drinking, but hopefully... I can quit that relationship. Moving on... I miss the times where we would wait until Fatone went to sleep just to sneak outside and sit in the car, late as fuck, just to smoke. Even though I had to be to work in the mornin, I didnt care. I was enjoying both myself and the company I had. I dont give an eff yo... When season 5 comes back on, I am lighting up in celebration lol. I effin love that show. Damn, my job sucks. But the pay is good, and so are the people I work with. If only they offered better hours, then Id be golden lol. I heard that I got a raise while I was away. I have to wait for my next paystub to confirm it tho lol

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh went the lion

Old School

I write poetry. Well nowhere near as often as I used to. But still, I write poetry. One of the things I feel Im good at. So anyway, I was just going through my archive of old poems and went through the unfiled section. Cuz I have finished work, then unfiled... But anyway, Im not goin to post the entire thing because it has 8 parts lol. The funny shit is, this is "Truth Is... Pt.2". So there was a 1st lol. I got work for days... Damn shame. My best work is fueled by emotions and truth. And once I get going, I tend to just keep going. I wrote this back in like '06 lol, I remember this shit cuz it was around the time my pops had his stroke and I was going through a lot. I know why this one was in the "unfiled" section, because I sorta just tapped out half way through the 8th part... Anyway, Im only going to post 2 and 3. I think I may have posted them before, but Im not sure anymore. Well, do what you will.

"Truth Is... Pt.2"
Act 2 : Try to keep my composure as I squabble with this poser/Starin at a poster I try to reach some closure/A man calling himself my father, but he's a coward/Like a virgin deflowered our relationship has scoured/Watered down then grew sour, with every passing hour/I lose more power... Power to restrain myself/What makes it harder is I dont blame myself/Try to regain myself/As I abstain from help/And the pain Ive felt/The stroke came about and my tears came out/Supposed to be strong and the bitch rang out/Doc said he needed surgery certainly and my emotions started jerkin me/Gave two options in case of emergency, option 1 was a certainty/Tried to hold fast despite our cold past/Choose not to quarrel unless Im told trash/But lately all he says is bull, and I want to just pull...Away from the things he will say to urk my nerves today/Words to sway of off wordplay, if you observe his taunt/For a non-athletic diabetic, the nerve he'll flaunt/Truth is... If he wasnt my father, Id kick his ass/Learn him a thing or two, very quick to class/Cuz he's too sick with sass/And Ill put a brick through his glass/Causing me to move, cant live here anymore/ Fuck tears further more/He puts a rumble in my belly, when normally Im humble and steady/All love aside, I cant stand this cynical judge/Im done with him, Ive reached the pinnacle of this grudge/...

Act 3 : Life is running in place, Im stuck in purgatory/Sometimes I feel there isnt a chance of purge for me/Trapped in a mellow ghetto, but Im on the verge homey/Of a surge homey, so please when I emerge hold me/Console me, tell me these nights arent cold, B/Just lie to my face, as I shutter from your embrace/Sigh like amazing grace, as I mutter to the base/Theres a stutter when I utter as I attempt to gain space/Again in the same place, where I went insane, Ace/Left in a slump on a road with more then a bump/But its next to a cliff, and I wonder to jump/It pains to be humble when to survive you gotta struggle/I try not to stumble while with good and evil I juggle/Just pieces to the puzzle, thats why I cant guzzle/Greed is death, so it makes it hard to nuzzle/Especially when Im in the hustle and hear "dont move a muscle"/So now Ive gotta bustle just to avoid a tussle/Pace is to fast at a 100 miles and running/Happiness comes with fake smiles and shunning/Sunshine peaks through the cracks of my unstained mind/Far from perfection, though the tracks are a mundane find/

Its crazy, cuz I wrote that in '06 and still can relate to some of that. Most of it actually. Damn, I dont know if thats good or bad. Geez louise...

Here is a quote from the movie, "Heat" starring Al Pacino and Robert Deniro...
"Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner." Just more true shit... blahhhhhhhhhhh went the lion